When Love Calls Your Name
by KarenH
Summary: Story takes place post S3 once Joey & Pacey return from their trip. Someone dies & Joey has to come to terms with it and make amends. This fic has the potential to get dark & it is sad in the beginning. Told from Joey's POV, lyrics are from Dawson's.
1. Prologue Save Up All Your Tears

Prologue - Save up all your tears

As the sun set on what was to be our last night at sea, I can't help but wonder how everything will be when we get home. Will Bessie give me a stern talking to for running off for the summer? How is Dawson? Will he want to see me?

I am pretty certain that Bessie is going to be mad. I've talked to her a few times since we left and I have this feeling that Bessie was keeping something from me, but I'm not entirely sure. It's not anything she's said but more the tone in which she's said things.

Everything had been going well between Pacey and I, but how would things be once we were back on dry land? Back in the familiar setting of home life, with friends and family.

Do I even still have friends; I find myself wondering as I lay awake well into the night, able to hear the boat swaying and Pacey snoring. I realize that it will probably be difficult for Dawson seeing us together, and probably Andie too. Jen seemed to have been somewhat supportive of my growing feelings but what about the aftermath? And I don't know how Jack will react.

The closer we've gotten to going home the more I've found my mind wandering to all the possible scenarios of how things will go from here. What will it be like to see Dawson again? I feel like I've somehow changed, I'm a different person. Part of me dreads having to see Dawson; will there be hurt in his eyes? But there's still this part of me anxious to see him. I hope we're still friends; I wouldn't want this, my being with Pacey to ruin our friendship.

Deep down I know it's going to have some sort of effect on him, but maybe in time, who knows?

The next evening as we dock the boat, there a huge part of me that doesn't want the summer to end, doesn't want to step off this boat. To step off of the boat means I will move away from something that seems safe and secure to so much unknown, so much uncertainty. I've hoped against hope that nothing has changed since I've been gone, but I have a gut feeling that so much has changed. How could everything have stayed the same?

As we walk along the dock we make plans for the following afternoon and as Pacey headed in the direction of home, I'm hesitant for a brief moment.

"What are a few more minutes?" I wonder as I head in the direction of the Leery house. "Bessie won't have to know I got back earlier."

Those conversations that have been playing in my mind between Dawson and myself starting once more, he doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't feel we can be friends when he still has feelings for me, he's moved on and realizes we can't ever be more than friends. I'm not sure which of those scares me the most.

As I near the house my eyes are immediately drawn to his bedroom window and for a moment I stop in my tracks, with the thought finally dawning on me, 'this is not going to be so easy'.

The ladder is gone.

Mustering up some courage, I take a few steps closer to the house before something on the front lawn catches my eye. I blink and it's still there, the 'for sale' sign.

"The Leery's are moving?" I find myself saying out loud, not quite able to believe it. How can I possibly imagine Capeside without them?

I'd thought that I could maybe deal with Dawson not talking to me for a while, with us slowly rebuilding our friendship, but him leaving town? I wasn't prepared for that.

How could I possibly live knowing this was no longer the Leery house?

As I walk up the porch steps I note there's no car parked in the driveway. I knock on the door, wondering how he'll react seeing me. A minute later no one has answered and I guess everyone is out.

Turning to go home, something or rather someone catches my eye at the end of the dock. Jen.

Slowly I walk in her direction, a feeling of relief overcoming me. At least by seeing Jen first I can gauge how Dawson feels about seeing me, how he is doing and why the Leery's are moving house.

But I'm in no way prepared for what's about to come.

Jen seems to be in her own little world and hasn't heard my approach.

"Hey." I say as I sit beside her, pulling her from her thoughts. "How are you?"

"Oh hey, you're back." Jen replies giving me a small smile. "I'm okay. How are you? How was your trip?"

"I'm good, the trip was good."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah." I reply, what more should there be to say. I'm more in the mood for asking Jen questions.

"How's Grams?"

"She's doing well too."

There's a brief silence as I work my way towards asking about Dawson and I guess Jen is already preparing herself for my questions.

"Have you been home yet?" Jen asks maybe she's stalling for time, not wanting me to hear Dawson doesn't want anything to do with me.

"No. I ah, I wanted to stop by to see Dawson. See how he is."

"Bessie didn't tell you anything while you were gone?"

"Tell me the Leery's were selling up? No."

"Oh." Jen mouths and something in her eyes confirms my suspicions that Bessie was keeping something from me, something other than the "for sale" sign in the yard. She closes her eyes for a moment as though she is composing herself before she finally blurts out. "Dawson isn't here."

"I know, there was no answer." I reply as I cast my eyes over the creek like I have so many times before. But something about the way Jen has said it makes me look back at her. "That's not what you meant, is it?"

Jen shakes her head and swallows. "He's in Canton, at his Aunt Gwen's."

Surprised I furrow my brow and try to process the new information. Why is he there? "What's he doing there?" I finally ask.

"Trying to come to terms with everything."

"With everything?" I'm more confused now. Dawson isn't in Capeside and the Leery's are moving, was either of that because of me? The Leery's would never leave Capeside. "You mean with Pacey and I?"

"Yes and no."

"You're not making much sense Jen." I reply starting to feel like I'm being kept in the dark about everything, about something major. "What's going on?"

She looks like she's blinking back tears but manages to speak, "I so wasn't prepared for being the one who had to deliver this news to you. But it appears I'm going to have to do it."

Jen swats at a tear running down her cheek and for a moment I'm prepared to tell her to stop because she seems upset but then my mind begins to wonder what could possibly have upset Jen so much.

"It all began not long after you and Pacey left for Florida. Jack, Andie, Dawson and I were in his room talking when there was a knock on the door. Dawson went to answer it and he seemed to be taking ages coming back. So we went to find him and found that it was Sheriff Witter who had been at the door."

"Sheriff Witter?"

"Yeah."

"Was he looking for Pa-"

"Joey, not everything that happens revolves around you and Pacey." Jen cuts me off and I'm taken aback at her outburst. After a moment Jen starts to speak again as she looks out over the creek, possibly unable to look me in the eye. "Dawson was sitting at the foot of the stairs, staring into space, seemingly in shock. That's when the Sheriff took us to the side and told us the news, Gail and Mitch had died."

"What?" I ask, not quite believing what I'm hearing and Jen continues as though I never said anything.

"There had been an accident as they were nearing Boston, on the freeway. Three cars were involved and–" she pauses for a moment, sniffing. "They were killed instantly. We were all in shock, Jack went to get Grams. Andie and I tried to comfort Dawson, but he seemed to have been shutting everything else out. The Sheriff's department was trying to find Gwen, but they knew she had been at the wedding and was probably not home yet."

'This can't be true', I think to myself as Jen talks, a silent tear slides down her cheek.

"Eventually someone got in touch with Gwen and she came back and we all tried to be there for Dawson but he seemed to be closing himself off, it was like no one could reach him. He wouldn't see anyone, well aside from the funeral, but that was just the ceremony and then he went back to Grams. Not wanting to be with anyone." Jen continues as she removes a handkerchief from her pocket. "I guess it was all getting a bit too much for him. By that point he wasn't even living in their house, he was staying with us. A few days later Gwen told us Dawson wanted to leave, wanted to go to Gwen's."

Jen blows her nose.

"I guess Dawson didn't want to be faced with all the memories, all the pain. We tried saying goodbye, I tried talking to him again, telling him I was there for him. But he just seemed so distant, like he wasn't listening. Like he didn't want to be reached."

"You guys couldn't have tried hard enough." I find myself saying.

"That's easy for you to say when you were off sailing with your boyfriend, while the guy who meant so much to you for so long lost the three most important people in his life, on the same day." She hits back.

"Three?" I question as Jen looks back at me again and I can see the answer in Jen's eyes.

"You were the other person Joey." She tells me. "He may not have said anything but to him it must have felt like he lost you that day too."

Jen took a deep breath and we fell into silence, watching the flow of the creek.

I open my mouth to say something but close it again, thinking twice before finally asking a question I am sure I'll find myself thinking of for weeks, months or years to come.

"If I had been here…would it have made any difference?" Even as I ask this I know the answer is probably going to be 'yes'. I know that Jen has more than likely thought it and Jack and Grams, Bessie and Andie and everyone, probably even Dawson.

"Yes." She blurts out after a split seconds thought. "I think it would have. We'll never know for sure, but I believe the one person who could have reached him in all this, the one person who understood a fraction of his loss would have known what to do because they'd been there too. They'd gotten through it themselves."

Stung by Jen's words, I can't help the tears that have started to trickle down my cheeks. Are they tears for the harsh yet true words, or for the loss of two people who had been like parents to me? Or maybe they are tears for the guy who was supposed to be my best friend and at one point my world, the one who'd been abandoned by the people he loved most.

As I continued to sit there seemingly in a daze I surmise the tears are probably due to all three.

'How do I reply to that', I think to myself as I continue to sit there, both of us silent.

"I'm sorry if I'm sounding quite blunt Joey, I am." Jen begins. "But it's what I found myself thinking over and over again in those first few days. He didn't want to see anyone or talk. The only time he came out of the room he slept in was for the funeral and a few days later they left."

Trying to absorb the information and feeling the need to know more I ask, "Has Dawson been back since?"

"No." Jen shakes her head. "To be honest, I don't think he'll be back for a while, if at all."

"Who decided to sell the house?"

"Gwen said Dawson didn't think he could ever bear to step foot in it again, too many memories. Too much to remind him of the past and too much to make him wonder about what could have been. It would have been too painful." She pauses for a moment. "Over the summer we started to pack things up, Gwen came down for a few days but she didn't like to leave Dawson on his own. Some of the stuff was put in storage, some sold. As I said there are too many memories."

_I can't figure you out  
But a heart must be the one thing  
You were born without  
I've been wastin' my time  
I don't know where I'll sleep tonight  
You say that you can do without me  
Go ahead now try and live without me_

I silently nod my head and try to imagine how hard it would be to be reminded of everything you loved no matter where you turned.

Remembering when Mom died. I'd been sad and couldn't stay at home, too much to think about without my mother there, it wasn't like home without her. But that was why the Leery's had allowed me to stay with them, why Dawson wouldn't leave my side unless he had to. He'd seen me through it and I'd been grateful to have him.

And now it appeared he'd had no one. Not like I did, I found myself thinking as fresh tears began to fall.

We sat in silence for a little while longer before I knew I should probably go home, after all I hadn't seen Bessie all summer.

I guess Bessie didn't want to ruin my summer and that's why she waited before telling me about the Lerry's but now I feel guilty for having a good summer, when other people I cared about and loved were miserable. I'd have rather she'd told me, I would have come back.

_Baby save up all your tears  
You might need them someday  
When the tears start to fall  
I won't wipe them away  
When you're cryin all night  
For the love that you need  
Baby save up your tears  
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me_

I said goodbye to Jen, told her I'd see her tomorrow or else the day we went back to school, but the truth was things seemed somewhat strained between us from that moment on. I felt somewhat guilty, sure Mitch and Gail's death hadn't been my fault but I should have been there for Dawson.

In the short time period between the start of the school year and our return I told Pacey I needed some time to myself. I had so much to deal with, needing to grieve for people who had been like parents to me. Also feeling I needed to come to terms with Dawson's departure. He said he understood, he loved Mitch and Gail too.

Once school started back Pacey and I started to see one another again, but within a few weeks Pacey told me that anytime we were alone it was as though I was holding back from something until the atmosphere just always seemed tense. He was certain my thoughts always seemed to drift to where I was when Dawson was going through all of this, until it became unbearable.

"You realize in the end, he still had an affect on the outcome of our relationship?" Pacey said as he walked towards the door of my bedroom.

"I can't believe you're saying that." I replied in disbelief as I sat on my bed.

"I know it's not intentional, but it's true." He assured me. "Given a choice he'd rather have his parents back than have us apart. Don't you think this is hurting me too? Remember they meant a lot to me."

"I know they meant a lot to you, they were like surrogate parents because of how our parents failed us…"

"Then why?" He cut in.

"Pacey, I just need space to deal with all of this. Right now, every time I'm with you I remember where I wasn't. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most." I manage to finish through the tears that fall. "He won't take my calls. I call Gwen every day and he won't speak to me. Some friend I turned out to be." I finish wiping the tears away.

"I guess we both failed in that department." He says as he looks at me again.

"I'm not saying it's over for good." I tell him with tears in my eyes.

With his hand on the doorknob he looked back at me for a moment, "I really hope that's true."

_You got used to my touch  
I got used to not, not feelin' much  
Winter set in your eyes  
Time will melt your castle of ice  
You think that you won't feel the pain now  
But your eyes will be cryin'  
Like the rain now_

The first six months after we'd returned from our summer vacation were hell. For months I'd been trying to talk to Dawson on the phone, I'd told Gwen I'd come and visit and she told me that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Dawson wouldn't speak to me on the phone so what made me think he'd see me.

A week later I decided to give it up. I couldn't really afford the long distance calls but I'd always hoped maybe he'd eventually give in and talk to me. In the end I guess I must have hurt him too much, even though he told me to go to Pacey. My choice had been clear to him at the time, I wanted Pacey and not him, I left him. Now he wants nothing to do with me.

_Baby save up all your tears  
You might need them someday  
When the tears start to fall  
I won't wipe them away  
When you're cryin all night  
For the love that you need  
Baby save up your tears  
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me_

You'll be cryin' over me

Those first few weeks of school had been pretty strained for us all. It was difficult to try to remain as close as we had become. Pacey and I had hurt so many people; in the beginning I hadn't fully seen that. We'd obviously hurt Dawson but I hadn't really known how much Andie had been hurt by it. She'd somehow been holding out for her and Pacey getting back together. Jack felt in the middle, loyalty to his sister won out though. And Jen, she told me she wanted to but couldn't bring herself to forgive me for not being there for Dawson.

"It's too hard Joey, I see you and every time I do I'm reminded of how much pain he was in." She told me one day as we walked home from school after she'd asked if we could talk.

"You think I don't feel it? That I don't wish I could change everything?"

_You don't know it now  
You don't know it now  
You don't know it now  
You don't know it now  
You don't know it now  
But some wounds get deeper with time  
You don't feel it now  
Till the need burns, a knife turns  
Your heart bleeds like mine_

"I know you do. I see the pain in your eyes, but it doesn't compare to the pain I saw in his." She stopped walking as we reached the point were we would normally go our separate ways, only this time we were quite literally going our separate ways. "I know that if you could you would turn back the clock and stay. Be here for him, but you can't. And I know he's not here but I feel like I'm somehow betraying his hurt."

We were both silent for a moment.

"Maybe with time…" I began but she cut me off.

"Maybe, but for now I can't be your friend. There's gonna come a time when you'll start dating a guy and I'll wonder about Dawson and if he's come to terms with his grief yet because he'll have to before he can date anyone. It's just too difficult."

_Baby save up all your tears  
You might need them someday  
When the tears start to fall  
I won't wipe them away  
When you're cryin all night  
For the love that you need  
Baby save up your tears  
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me_

"I understand."

"I told Pacey the same thing. I see the pain in Andie's eyes too; knowing someone you love is with someone else, a look you probably saw in the mirror when I first moved here, one I tried to ignore."

We fall back into silence, neither of us quite sure of what to say, or even if we should just walk away. Neither of us wanting to be the first to go but in the end someone has to make that move.

_Baby save up all your tears  
You might need them someday  
When the tears start to fall  
I won't wipe them away  
When you're cryin all night  
For the love that you need  
Baby save up your tears  
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me_

"I'll see you Joey." Jen says as she starts to back away.

"I'll see you Jen." I reply saddened that it's had to come to this.

He really was the glue that held it all together.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I'd done that so many times, Bessie said she was worried about me but I told her I was just still trying to come to terms with everything. I hadn't told her that a part of me was mad at her for not telling me sooner. But she had told me that even if she had told me sooner it would have still been too late because Dawson had already gone by the time I called.

_You'll be cryin' over me  
'Cause you'll be cryin' over me  
You'll be cryin' over me  
(You'll be cryin' over me)  
(You don't know it now)  
(You don't know it now)  
You'll be cryin' over me  
(You don't know it now)  
(You don't know it now)  
(You don't feel it now)  
(You don't feel it now)  
You don't feel it now  
You'll be cryin' over me_  
*cher – save up all your tears*

As the tears took hold I clutched the photo that I hid under my pillow, a picture of Dawson and I from last year, not long after our one month anniversary. We looked so happy then, as though we could accomplish anything and now look at us. I deserved my misery, I'd hurt him one too many times and look what the outcome was.

I cried for him, I cried for myself and more than anything, I cried for us. For a future that would never be, because no matter what, no matter who I had been with, I only ever envisioned myself being married to him. Now even that has faded.

As the night creeps on I wonder what his future will be like, what my future will be. Feeling terrified to know that he'll never be a part of it. And it's all my fault.

_***to be continued...***_


	2. Chapter 1 Drifting

Part 1 - Drifting

Some nine years later (give or take).

As I sit at the table in our kitchen drinking coffee, I go over my checklist once more and I feel nervous about later tonight. I'm an artist you see, or so I hope.

After graduating from Capeside High I moved to New York to study art at NYU, the biggest part of me finally happy to be gone from there. Happy to be away from the demons that seemed to haunt me.

Pacey and I got back together a few weeks after Jen and I had our talk but broke up before prom. Loneliness and impending departures led to us getting back together for one night, before Pacey went off for the summer working on a sail boat. He enjoyed it so much that he decided to keep doing that kind of thing.

I threw myself into my studies and adjusting to city life and within a year Pacey and I were back together. But it was always off and on, more off than on while we were at college. He'd decided he wanted to be a chef and was going to college in Boston so we'd mainly see each other at weekends, except when we had midterms or finals or Pacey was off on a boat for the summer. Loneliness seemed to somehow bring us back together.

Within a few years we were back together in Boston and this time it seemed to be working, we seemed to not end up going our separate ways. Pacey was working as a chef and I worked in a bookstore four days a week and painted in my free time, trying to get a gallery to show my work. But no one seemed to be interested.

After living in Boston for almost two years, we decided to give New York a try. Pacey knew how much I liked being there, knew part of me wanted to go back and he finally gave in to us going there.

Which is where we are now, in Forest Hills.

Even though it is almost 9am, Pacey is still asleep. He was late home from work, like he is most nights because of how late the restaurant is open. Today that's a good thing as it means I can think over everything I need to do for later.

When we moved here I got a job in another bookstore and in my spare time I continued to paint and scout around for somewhere to showcase some of my paintings. I finally found somewhere in Soho and the show is tonight hence the reason why I am so nervous.

I thought of everything that could possibly go wrong and up until last night everything was going smoothly. That was until Pacey called at exactly 8:14 to tell me that he had to work. We knew for months that tonight would be the night and he made sure he had the okay for the evening off. He was assured it would be fine, but that was before one of the chefs quit and another called in with the flu.

We fought over the phone, "didn't he realize how important this night was for me", "didn't I realize that it wasn't his fault" and back and forth. The truth is I know it wasn't his fault, but this was a huge night for me and he wasn't going to be there. Bessie couldn't make it either because of the B&B, meaning the only person I'll have there for moral support is Shannon, a friend from work but she asked if she could bring her boyfriend so she wouldn't be a third wheel.

Which I guess I'm going to feel like now.

Glancing at my checklist again I carefully note I have everything planned out. Picking up my dress at two, swing by the gallery after to check everything is okay for tonight, hairdressers at four, etc…

Pacey said he'd try and get away, even if it means he can only stop by for fifteen minutes, he'll try. But I won't hold my breath.

When I swung by the gallery earlier, Verity told me that there was a late addition to the program, some photographer was showcasing some stuff at the exhibit, so there will be five different people with stuff on display. As I enter the house just after five, I see a bouquet of flowers on the table in the hallway. He didn't, did he? I smile as I walk towards them, quickly pulling the card free.

He didn't.

The flowers are from Bessie.

_Good luck for tonight Joey, I know you'll do great. All my love Bessie, Bodie and Alex. _

Wishful thinking I guess, Pacey isn't much of a romantic but I don't mind. I don't.

Hurrying upstairs, I mentally check that everything is in order before heading towards the bathroom for a shower. Do I have everything I need for later?

I have my dress, make up and everything was set out before I left, the cab is booked…

As the cab navigates its way through the bustling Manhattan streets towards Soho I start to feel sick. This is really happening.

Self doubt starts to seep in, what if I'm not good enough? These people are the ones who'll know, these people know about art. What if no one likes what I've done? I wish I had said yes to Shannon when she asked me if I wanted her to pick me up since Pacey wasn't going.

"No", I told her foolishly, "You'll be there too early and have a lot of waiting around to do."

I managed to calm myself down and by the time I arrive all but one of the people who will have their work on display is there.

"He's flying in from upstate." Simon, an artist from Long Island tells me as he touches my arm. "I heard he's a photographer." He whispers in my ear as though he'd just delivered some state secret everyone would want to know.

I just nod and look out for Shannon's arrival as Simon continues speaking but I don't hear everything he says.

The first time I met Simon I thought he was gay, but now I'm not so sure. He's been by my side ever since I arrived, keeps touching my arm and I think he's flirting. Pacey would freak if he saw this guy.

Ten minutes later Shannon and Derek arrive, both eyeing Simon and he makes his excuses and leaves now that we are no longer on our own.

"Thank god you two got here."

"Was he trying to hit on you?" Shannon asks watching after him.

"I think he was."

"We both know you could do so much better." She rolls her eyes and I can't help but laugh.

Shannon for the most part, doesn't exactly like Pacey. She denies it whenever the topic comes up but I know by her body language when he's around that she doesn't like him. He on the other hand likes Shannon and often wonders why we never double date.

I've managed to convince him that the reason we never double date is because his schedule changes too much or it conflicts with plans. I'm not entirely sure he believes me anymore.

"Would either of you like something to drink?" Derek asks letting go of Shannon's hand.

"I'm fine thanks." I tell him looking at the glass of champagne in my hand. It's only my second glass but I really don't want to be drunk tonight.

"I'll have a glass of red wine." Shannon tells him as he walks away. "Sorry we were a little late in getting here, I had a bit of a problem with my dress."

"What was wrong with it?" I ask her as a smirk starts to appear on her face and I should have guessed I'd fallen for that one again.

"Just Derek extracted me from it and wouldn't let me put it back on."

I roll my eyes at her, some things never change.

_You've been gone so long  
All that you know has been shuffled aside  
As you bask in the glow  
Of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name  
Do they fill up the emptiness_

"This is one of yours, right?" She asks as she gestures to a painting beside us.

I nod my head. "Yeah."

"How come I never saw it before?"

"I don't know." I reply but I do. Of everything I ever painted I think this one took the most out of me. It was emotionally draining, so much invested in it. I never thought I'd ever be able to show it to anyone, even Pacey.

"Does it have a title?"

"Well for tonight its title is 'my only hope', but it had more of a personal meaning when I was working on it. For years I'd add some stuff to it, a splash of color here or there."

"What's its other title?"

_Larger than life is your fiction  
In a universe made up of one_

"'Soulmate song'. The different colors represent different emotions; happiness, sadness, frustration, loneliness, emptiness…longing." I finish, my voice low.

"For?"

"The one." I reply feeling I've been honest about something for the first time in years.

"So, how many paintings do you have here?"

_You have been drifting for so long  
I know you don't want to come down  
Somewhere below you there's people who love you  
And they're ready for you to come home,  
please come home_

"Five." I reply as I hear someone cheer a little behind me. Probably some trumped up artist being praised in front of everyone they know. I don't bother turning around.

"Oh, what a nice piece of ass." Shannon says as she looks over my shoulder. "Couldn't you just spread that on a cracker?" She finishes as she tilts her head to the side.

I can't help but laugh at her as I turn to find out what fine specimen she's ogling now, even though her boyfriend isn't far away. My view of the guy is blocked; at least I think it was a guy. There are plenty of females over there too.

"I didn't see."

"Such a shame for you then. We should swap places so you can get a better look."

_Walk in a room and the world stops to stare  
Mesmerized all who are caught in the glare  
Of the spotlight that follows wherever you go,  
Does it light up the emptiness_

"Shannon!" I exclaim as she changes my position. "I can't believe you; you were just talking about having your wicked way with your boyfriend…"

"I was only looking, it's not like I went over there and did the guy in front of everyone."

That sounds scary because I actually think she's the kind of person who would do that.

As Derek appears back at her side I finally catch a glimpse at the guy…it can't be.

"What is it Joey?" Derek asks obviously reading the look of surprise on my face and both Shannon and Derek look over their shoulder and back to me.

"Dawson?" I say my voice barely a whisper as my mouth goes dry. I suddenly feel the need to sit down yet I want to approach him at the same time.

_Larger than life is your fiction  
In a universe made up of one _

There's a break in the people that surround him and for a brief moment my eyes meet his before they're gone again. I think I'm gonna be sick, so I excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

For years I wondered what it would be like to see him again, wondered how I'd react or what I'd say. I never expected to feel like this.

_You have been drifting for so long  
I know you don't want to come down  
Somewhere below you there's people who love you  
And they're ready for you to come home_

Part of me wants to run out there and hug him, tell him I'm sorry for everything, I wish I could take it back, do things differently.

The other part of me wants to hide, what right do I have to talk to him. I hurt him too much, more than I thought possible.

It's been somewhere in the region of nine years since I've seen him. As much as I wish it weren't true, I don't know him anymore and he doesn't know me. He shouldn't want to.

Shannon comes to find me, confusion written on her face. I give her a watered down version of our history and she's speechless.

"How could I not have known this?" She asks and I just lightly shrug.

_please come home_  
*drifting – sarah mclachlan*

I ask her to give me a minute; I need to compose myself before I can go back out there again.

When I finally leave the safety of the bathroom I'm surprised to find that Dawson isn't were he was before, he's possibly off on some far off corner or for all I know he's already left.

For the majority of the night, I find I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, checking to see if he's there. Yet not quite sure if I have it in me to speak to him. What could I possibly say?

At one point I see him out of the side of my eye, I turn and smile and there's a look of recognition as he smiles back. It's the simple things that I seem to miss the most and I feel my eyes start to water.

A little while later, as the night is drawing to a close Shannon asks if I'll mind if her and Derek take off. "He's getting frisky." She winks at me.

I tell her its fine and she asks if I'm sure, I tell her it's ok again, I plan to leave soon anyway.

Five minutes later I find I'm outside trying to hail a cab, but there doesn't seem to be anything about.

"There hasn't been a cab pass here for at least ten minutes." I hear someone say from behind me, a voice that seems familiar, that I haven't heard in years.

I thought maybe I'd missed my chance to speak to him and now that I know I haven't I have this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and my palms are sweating. I'm not prepared for this.

There's too much to process and I'm surprised my head isn't spinning.

"Well that's just great." I reply before taking a deep breath, there's so much to say, where do I start? "Hey."

"Hey." He replies as he walks out from the shadow of the doorway he was standing in.

"Have you been out here all night counting cabs?" I ask trying to break the ice. What the hell should I say?

"Something like that."

We fall into an awkward silence, my eyes locked on his for a moment before it somehow feels like too much and I need to look away as I feel the coolness of the night air. I wish I'd brought a heavier jacket.

I glance over my shoulder to see if there are any cabs coming but there aren't. Turing back to him I say, "I think I'm just going to walk a few blocks and see if I can get a cab there."

"Alone?" He asks and I suddenly realize that it'd probably be stupid of me, but I'm not thinking clearly. I feel somewhat uncomfortable though, there's so much I want to say but I don't really know where to start.

I nod my head, "It's just a couple of blocks." Anything to stop this uncomfortable feeling.

"I could walk you to Broadway…" He begins and I'm slightly taken aback, he seems to be taken aback that he suggested it. "It's in the direction of my hotel."

"It's okay, you don't have to."

"I can't let you walk through New York alone at this time of night." Dawson tells me, his voice sincere.

I'm touched, he owes me nothing. He should just let me go on my way.

"I don't mind, Joey."

He said my name, the first time either of us has said the other's name and I feel tears begin to form.

"Dawson…" I begin as he makes a move to walk down the street and he stops to look at me. I guess it's now or never. "I'm sorry about Mitch and Gail."

He doesn't respond at first, doesn't waver his gaze from mine. "I know." He finally says and I see a look of understanding on his face. We stand looking at one another for a moment before he says, "Are you coming or going to stand here all night?"

I manage a smile as does he as we begin to walk down the street.

_***to be continued...***_


	3. Chapter 2 The Tension and The Spark

Part 2 - I like the way

As the rain falls amide the bustling New York night I can't help but lay watching him sleep, the room bathed in the faint glow from the lamp on the nightstand. One of his hands rests on his chest, the other on the bed beside me.

_Somewhere inside my evolution  
Comically I seek retribution  
Looking for love in the physical beauty  
Desire is the drug of the bourgeoisie  
And now I try to intellectualize  
Like a glimmer of good in a bad man's eyes  
I am consumed by the flesh haunting me  
I know temptation taunts the empty _

How did we get here? How did everything lead to this point, this place in time?

He looks so peaceful as he sleeps, it's funny how I can't seem to get enough of watching something like this, but I have to leave. I shouldn't even be here.

This never should have happened.

So why then do I feel as though I'm right where I should be? Why do I finally feel like I'm home?

Or maybe I just feel like there's a sense of familiarity about this, about us.

Moving off of the bed I locate my underwear and start to dress, wondering if he'll be mad that I'm gone...again.

He knows I'm with Pacey; didn't say much about that. It seems that this has all caught him unaware too. Could we possibly be feeling something we haven't felt in nine years?

Stepping into my jeans I watch him sleep, he must be dreaming because a smile has just played across his mouth.

_So pour yourself over me  
Until there's nothing left to see (yeah, yeah)  
Because I like the way you move in the dark  
I like the tension, the tension and the spark _

After that first night I spent with Dawson I tried to believe it had been a mistake, so many pent up emotions taking over. Somehow our need to express whatever we felt for one another at some point just took hold and before we knew it we had stumbled to his hotel room, collapsed on the bed and made love for hours.

I thought I had convinced myself that's all it was, but when I saw him again I knew that wasn't all it was. Having him walk into my life again appeared to be stirring something inside me again.

We'd met for a coffee and despite what I initially thought; there was not any hint of awkwardness. We seemed so natural around one another.

_The decadence of giving in to desire  
Creates such entropy within  
Looking for love in the spiritual faces  
Blind to the art of fabrication  
I'm like a baby sucking momma's milk  
Wanna drink my fill and then some  
Leave me alone  
I always thought I was better than this  
But temptation tempts the temptee _

After coffee I took him to the Museum of Modern Art thinking he'd never been before, he listened carefully as I told him about all my favorite pieces. It was only as we were leaving that my hand somehow ended up in his and he told me he'd been before, twice.

_I'd looked at him questioningly, "why didn't you tell me you'd been here before?" _

_Dawson just shrugged, "you seemed so excited to be showing me something new, I just went along with it." With a grin on his face he leaned closer and whispered, "I like seeing you all excited." His free hand grazed my hip and I felt something stir in my belly. _

_"Is that so?" I asked my grin probably matching his as I kissed him quickly before dragging him towards the exit. _

_We hailed a cab and couldn't seem to keep our hands off of each other as it drove in the direction of his hotel. _

_Pour yourself over me  
Until there's nothing left to see (yeah, yeah)  
Oh, because I like the way you move in the dark  
And I like the tension, the tension and the spark _

_As soon as the key clicked in his hotel room door our hands began to roam once more, seeking contact no matter how small. The door slammed behind us as I worked to undo the fly on his jeans as he worked on the zip at the back of my dress, his hot mouth nipping on my ear. _

_We giggled as we quickly undressed, I suddenly felt like I was a teenager sneaking around, trying not to be caught by my parents. _

_As my panties hit the floor I sort of jumped into him and we collapsed onto the bed, laughing some more. I ripped the condom wrapper using my teeth, amazed that I hadn't dropped out of my hand as we frantically undressed. I sheathed his erection before moving to straddle him and he squeezed my ass causing me to scream as I moved some of my hair over my shoulder. _

_Because I like the way you move in the dark  
You know I like the tension, the tension and, the tension the spark_

"_Now this is a different kind of excited..." He said laying one of his hands on my thigh as the other moved to cup my breast. "A better kind." _

_Placing my hands on the bed, either side of his face I leaned forward a little. "Really?" _

"_Oh yeah." He replied before I devoured his lips with my own. _

_This physicality  
Shifting me chemically  
Such power over me  
It's just desire  
I know it's trickery (shifting me chemically)  
I know it's just skin deep (such power over me)  
I know I should resist  
I'm just too tired  
Too tired _

_Our lips melded together, tasting. Lips parted and tongues clashed as he stroked my thigh. Shifting position slightly I felt his erection press against my core before he entered me, causing me to moan. As I adjusted he stroked my hair, cupped my cheek before he kissed my nose and flipped us over so he was on top. _

_I thrust my hips against his and we began to move, hips crashing as we developed a rhythm. My fingernails dug into his shoulder as the pace quickened, I bit my lip and tried to keep my eyes open, focused on him. _

_I raked my fingers through his hair as I tried to ward off the building tension, his body still moved against mine as he said my name over and over. _

_How could I have doubted this? _

"_Look at me." He said breathlessly and I obeyed. _

_There's just one thing missing  
One thing missing here is love_

_After a few more thrusts I felt myself crash over the edge with his name falling from my lips, my hips still moved with his as he did the same before he collapsed on top of me._

Putting my jacket on, I look at him once more, hating the very idea of even leaving. I know I'll see him again and probably soon, but each time I leave there's some part of me that's scared it'll be the last time. Scared he'll say it's over.

_I like the way you move in the dark  
I like the tension, the tension and the spark  
(so pour yourself over me)  
You know I like the way you move in the dark  
(so pour yourself over me) _

Leaning down I kiss his forehead and as I move to stand he grabs my wrist, "where do you think you're going?" He asks sleepily.

"To Shannon's." I tell him before kissing him lazily.

That's where Pacey thinks I am. Actually, he thinks there was some inventory stuff that needed done tonight at the bookstore and that's why I was working late. I also told him I'd just stay at Shannon's because I wasn't sure when I would get through with work and I'd hate to be lying to him even if it is a relatively small detail in the grander scheme of things.

_You know I like the tension, the tension and, the tension and the spark  
So pour yourself over me (yeah, yeah, yeah)  
(there's just one thing missing, one thing missing)  
Until there's nothing left to see (yeah, yeah, yeah)  
So pour yourself over me  
(there's just one thing missing, one thing missing)  
So pour yourself over me  
(I like the tension, the tension and the spark) _

"There's a perfectly good bed here that you can sleep in." He replies cocking an eyebrow at me.

"If I stay here there won't be a whole lot of sleep." I assure him.

"That's not a bad thing." Dawson replies as he cups my face in his hands and brushes his lips against mine. "I won't get to see you tomorrow and I have to go back to Canton the day after that…" He trails off as he gently bites my ear.

"Don't remind me." I whisper as he pulls me closer, his hands gliding down my arms before he takes my hands and kisses the palms.

He opens my jacket and his hands move inside, caressing my breasts as his tongue finds my ear.

"Oh, what the hell…" I trail off as I help him remove my jacket before he starts to suck on my bottom lip. "I really should get some sleep though." I manage between kisses while straddling him. "I have to work…oh…I can sleep later."

He nods his head in agreement. "You talk too much."

Pulling my top over my head I ask, "You mean you don't want me for my intellectual conversations?"

_One thing missing here is love _  
*Darren Hayes – I like the way*

Dawson pulls me closer and rolls us over before replying, "I'll refrain from answering until I can think clearly about that." As he finishes he kisses my nose before descending down my body, randomly kissing flesh as he undoes the zipper of my jeans.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, know that it's wrong. But honestly, how can something so wrong feel so right?

My mind starts to cloud over until all I can think about is what he's doing with his tongue. "Oh." The sound catches in my throat. This is better than sleeping. How could so much time have been wasted all those years ago when we could have been doing this?

I grasp hold of the sheet as my hips move involuntarily off of the mattress; dig my heels into the bed in some attempt to ward off the mass of explosions about to hit me. "Dawson…" I pant, my breathing ragged as I run my fingers through his hair. "Dawson, I…"

Can't seem to think, unable to process anything…I can only concentrate on the wave of sensations about to take hold.

My hips continue to rise and fall, until everything goes dark and then light again as I crash over, my breathing out of control.

As I try to regain control of my breathing he kisses my hip, my stomach, my breast and my shoulder before kissing the side of my mouth.

"Still want to sleep?" He asks a sly grin plastered on his mouth.

I manage to shake my head as I bring my hands up to cup his face. "No."

He leans down to kiss me. "Good." He mumbles against my lips before he reaches for something on the nightstand.

Who needs sleep anyway?

_***to be continued...***_


	4. Chapter 3 Damned

Part 3 - Damned

Sorting through the rest of the delivery for the bookstore I catch Shannon looking at me incredulously.

"What?" I ask her as I smile at the customer that just entered the store.

"What's with you?"

My look probably mirrors hers as I reply, "What do you mean, what's with me?"

"You can't stop smiling, you look like you're glowing and you've been humming some tune for the past I don't know," she glances at her watch. "Twenty-five minutes. What's the deal?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Can't a girl just be smiling and humming a tune for no apparent reason?"

Shannon rolls her eyes at me. "Must you keep answering my questions with a question?"

Glancing at the inside jacket of the books I have just removed from the box I retort, "I don't know, must I?"

"Most girls I could understand being happy for no reason, but you." She trails off walking over to the counter. "You're not most girls Joey. So, spill already!"

"I'm just in a good mood, that's all. Things went well at the gallery."

"Wait a minute; you were supposed to come back to my place two nights ago, is something going on with you and Pacey? You're pregnant, or he proposed."

"Shannon, calm down." I stop her, guilt starting to take hold. Guilt because I've lied to her, lied to Pacey. "I'm not pregnant, he didn't propose."

"There's a shocker, I doubt he ever will." She trails off as a customer approaches her. "Can I help you with anything?" She asks, he voice full of sweetness, totally different to the tone she was using a moment ago.

Now that I've been granted a short reprieve from her interrogation I take the books I've unloaded to the back of the store.

Why does she have to be so good at reading me? More importantly, what am I supposed to tell her? "Oh by the way, that guy from the gallery...yeah funny story, I've been fucking him since the day after the opening night." I mumble and a lady browsing the aisle looks up at me, her look reproachful.

I want to die, now!

But I plaster a smile on my face, "Can I help you at all?"

"No thank you." She replies with a fake smile.

'Who is she to judge me?' I wonder as I return to my shelf stacking. That's not important!

I hate all this lying. I've told so many lies to Pacey, to Shannon, I even told Bessie a few tiny lies but at least I told her I saw Dawson. The only person I've been more honest with is Dawson. Ironic how I haven't seen him in so long yet he's the one I want to be most honest with.

Funny how life works out.

"Joey?" Shannon calls to me, pulling me from my thoughts. "Adam's here to cover for you now."

"Huh?"

She rolls her eyes at me. "You said you had an errand to run, taking someone to the airport...ring any bells?"

Glancing at my watch I realize I should have left here ten minutes ago. "Thanks Shannon." I call to her as I head to the office to grab my jacket and car keys.

"Not a problem." I hear her reply. She's probably going to flirt with Adam until I get back. Poor guy.

But that's the least of my problems. I'm supposed to drop Dawson off at the airport but before that we were going to go for a coffee and now it looks like we won't have time for that.

Hurrying to the car I pull my cell phone out of my jacket pocket so I can call him to let him know I'm on my way and see that he's tried calling me already, twice.

I call him quickly, so he knows I didn't forget and that I'm on my way.

"Hey, I'm sorry." I begin when he answers the phone. "I kinda got held up at work, but I've just about reached the car."

"Hey to you too." He replies and I can tell just from his voice that there's a smile on his face. "I was beginning to think I'd been stood up or something had happened."

"Nothing like that." I assure him. "Are you still at the hotel?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I should be there in a few minutes. Do you want me to come up and get you?"

"No that's okay, I'll come down." He laughs. "You might get frisky and I'll miss my flight because how can I possibly ward off your advances."

"I might get frisky?" I ask him questioningly as I enter the car. "That's not how it was the other night."

"What can I say; it was a moment of weakness on my part. My one and only moment."

Starting the engine I cut him off. "Yeah, yeah Leery. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Now I gotta go, I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Okay."

Fifteen minutes later the car finally makes it to Queens and the roads seem clearer as we head to La Guardia. My eyes are concentrating on the road, but even as I do that I can feel that his gaze is on me. Every time I change gears his hand moves over mine or rests on my knee.

I change gears again but this time his hand lingers on my knee as I change lanes and his hand starts to wander under my skirt, up my thigh.

"Ya know Dawson, if I didn't know any better I'd think someone was getting frisky." I tell him as his hand moves a little higher and he strokes my thigh.

"So it's obvious?" I see him smirk. "It just sort of hit me when we were coming across the bridge that I'm not going to see you for days."

"I know." I reply as I look at him again with a weak smile on my face. I place my hand over his. "But all this is going to do is cause me to crash the car."

He lets out a small laugh as he removes his hand from under my skirt. "That's a bit more explosive than I was going for."

Pulling the car over, I put the handbrake on and take one of his hands as I turn slightly in my seat. "I don't want you to go either. It feels good to have you back in my life." I lightly shrug my shoulders. "There's some part of me that's scared I'm never going to see you again."

He brings his hand up to cup my cheek. "Joey." He begins but I cut him off.

"I know, you've told me already. You'll be back in a few days but I just, part of me just wonders if something will come up and you can't or won't come."

This time he cuts me off by brushing his lips against mine, his thumb caressing my cheek as his lips move against and then with my own. Parting my lips I allow his tongue to enter my mouth as I hunger for more contact, my free hand now on his chest.

When the kiss is broken we're both breathless.

"I'm coming back Joey." He assures me as he gently squeezes my knee. "Now come on, we should still have time for that coffee."

As I start driving again a grin plays on my face and I reply, "I have a better idea."

A few minutes later I've parked the car and we're making our way up the path to the front of the house, Dawson at my back.

"You're sneaky." He says as I put the key in the door. "If I didn't know any better I'd say this had been your plan all along."

Turning to look at him I can't help but smirk. "You'll never know for sure."

As I push open the door I manage to force whatever feelings of guilt I have to the back of my mind. I know this shouldn't be happening between us, I know it shouldn't be here of all places. But there's another part of me that needs this.

No sooner have we crossed the threshold than our hands are all over each other as the door slams behind Dawson and we kick off our shoes. Tugging at the collar of his shirt I pull him towards me, his lips barely brush against mine before I pull away, taking a step backwards as I continue to tug on his collar.

"You're such a tease!" He says before his lips brush against mine again as he undoes the zipper on my skirt and it falls to the floor. This time the kiss is filled with hunger, need, as I quickly work to extract him from his shirt before reaching for his zipper.

"And don't you just love me for it." I reply huskily as I lick my lips.

I see something flash in his eyes but before I have time to analyze it he kicks off his pants, lifts me off of the floor and I wrap my legs around his waist.

_I'm lying here beside you  
In someone else's bed  
Knowing what we're doing's wrong  
But better left unsaid _

Your breathing sounds like screaming, it's all that I can stand  
His ring is on your finger, but my heart is in your hands

"Which way?" He asks.

"First door -" I bite on his earlobe. "On the right." I finish as my lips find his again for a brief moment. With my back to the bedroom door, I reach down for the handle and Dawson pushes us against the door, forcing it to open as I bring my hand up to cup his cheek. "I'm gonna miss you, you know?"

_Damned if you love me - Damned if you don't  
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go  
Damned if you don't need me, damned if you do  
God, I wish it wasn't me standing in these shoes  
Damned, Damned_

His only reply is to kiss me as he lowers me to the bed, his body partly covering mine. Loosening my grip on his hips he moves off of me a little. "You look beautiful right now. I'm not sure if I ever told you that before."

I can't help but blush, even as he moves off of me a little just so he can look at me some more. Before I start to feel self-conscious I lift my head to kiss him gently but soon the kiss heats up and he brushes his tongue against my lips while stroking my thigh.

His hand moves to stroke me through the fabric of my panties as I run my fingers through his hair, his tongue brushing against mine.

_Door slams like a shotgun, jumping to your feet  
It's just the wind that's blowing through the secrets that we keep  
Made me want to want you, God knows I need to need you  
By the time this love is over, I'll be sleeping on the streets_

If I were to lose my memory tomorrow with the option of remembering just one thing, I'd make it this. My senses heightened, on edge, focusing on Dawson, only on him and the way I feel right now.

My hips move off of the bed against his probing fingers until his hands move to remove my top and I sit up in order to help him remove it while scooting closer to him.

_Damned if you love me - Damned if you don't  
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go  
Damned if you don't need me, damned if you do  
God, I wish it wasn't me standing in these shoes_

I trace the outline of his jaw as he undoes the front clasp of my bra before lowering the straps and throwing it aside as I kiss him. I snake my arms around his neck as he moves closer to me, lowering me back onto the bed before he lays over me, flesh to flesh.

Dawson kisses down my body, paying particular attention to my breasts before removing both my panties and his boxer shorts, while I reach into the drawer of the nightstand for a condom.

_Why won't you talk to me? Because I'm too blind to see  
Why won't you look at me? Because I'm afraid to breathe  
What do you want from me? All that I can stand  
The lies are on my tongue and I can't turn back I know  
My soul is damned_

I help him with the condom, try to ward off any feelings I have that this may be the last time we're like this.

As he enters me I place my hands on his shoulders, close my eyes as I adjust, as I try to commit it all to memory.

Looking into his eyes now I can't help the wave of emotions that take over me. "I wish we could stay like this forever." I say before capturing his bottom lip between mine before rocking my pelvis against his.

Our bodies start to move with and against one another; he cups one of my breasts as I run one of my hands down his back. He buries his face in the crock of my neck, nipping on a sensitive piece of skin. I clasp my fingers in his as our breathing quickens and we continue to move in time.

His name falling from my lips in moans over and over and with each moan he pushes into me deeper. I move my free hand to his shoulder and as the orgasm takes hold I can't help digging my fingers into flesh as I throw my head back, screaming his name.

He continues to move against me, my hand still clasped in his until Dawson orgasms too before collapsing on top of me.

_Don't worry I ain't gonna call you when you say my name  
And if you see me on the street, don't wave just walk away  
Our lives are getting twisted, let's keep our stories straight  
The more that I resist it, my temptation turns to fate_

He lays there for a moment as we come down together, our breathing slowing and returning to some sense of normality. Dawson moves off of me a little, his body still covering part of me.

"Well that's one way to pass time when waiting for a flight." He says and I can't help but laugh.

"The airlines should be more accommodating for pastimes like this." I grin up at him as I trace the outline of his jaw before kissing him quickly. "This is better than a coffee any day."

"Oh I don't know Joey, give me a latte before sex anytime." He replies with a straight face.

He rolls onto his side and I push him before moving on top of him. "You'd rather a coffee to this." I say as I straddle him, running one of my hands down my body his eyes following my hand.

_Damned if you love me - Damned if you don't  
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go  
Damned if you don't need me, damned if you do  
God, I wish it wasn't me standing in these shoes  
Damned, Damned_

"Well when you put it like that." He trails off as he playfully squeezes my ass and I scream in surprise as his mouth comes up to meet mine before we both lay back down again.

"I knew you just needed a little perspective." I reply with a grin but suddenly the mood seems to be more serious as it finally dawns on me where we are, what we did...that's he's leaving. "Why do I feel like I'm never going to see you again?"

"I'll be back in a few days." He assures me, kissing the top of my head.

_Damned if you love me - Damned if you don't  
It's getting harder holding on, but I can't let you go  
Damned if you don't need me, damned if you do  
God, I wish it wasn't me standing in these shoes  
Damned, Damned_  
*Bon Jovi - Damned*

We lay there for a few more minutes, basking in the presence of the other before we have to leave (stripping the bed and putting the stuff in the washer before we go). As we drive we don't say much, I still have this feeling that I'm never going to see him again, I don't know why.

Maybe it's just because the last time one of us left it was nine years before we saw each other again. I drop him off at the terminal and he leans in the car window and kisses me.

"I'll see you Dawson."

"I'll see you Monday, Joey." He says before turning to walk away.

_***to be continued...***_


	5. Chapter 4 Darkness

"It's supposed to rain tonight." Shannon tells me and I wonder if she's seen that I have some sort of fascination with the clock.

In all honesty I don't care if it rains, there could be a big freeze outside and I wouldn't care.

Actually, I probably would care. If the ground is frozen it could affect the ability of aircraft to land and therefore hinder his ability to return today.

But then again, it's almost 6pm and he hasn't called to tell me he's back.

"Yohoo Joey, planet earth calling Joey." Shannon's words trickle into my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you were going to tell me why you haven't taken your eyes of the clock all day."

"No reason." I lie. Of course I lie; it's all I've done for the past month.

"Really?" She asks obviously not buying it and why would she buy it.

He'd definitely said he'd be back on Monday, so why then am I here on Wednesday evening wondering where the hell he is?

"Would you like some coffee?" I ask her as I move away from the counter, walking towards the staff room.

"No." She replies and I know she'll be looking exasperated. I've hardly been myself these past few days and I know my behaviour makes her worry.

Dawson didn't call all weekend, not that he said he would, I was just a little sad that he didn't. Monday mid-afternoon came and still no phone call. I even tried calling my cell phone to check it worked, it works perfectly fine. I tried calling his cell and the number he gave me for Gwen's house; both are apparently no longer in use.

I had a gut feeling that I wouldn't see him again and I pushed that aside, too caught up in the emotions I felt at that moment.

Pouring some milk from the jug into my cup I note how my hand shakes and I feel the need to sit down.

Silently I cry, for a love I now know never died, not in me anyway. I cry for a love that may never be again.

*****

My hand trembles as I quickly hand the cab driver the fare.

'Will he be here tonight', the thought crosses my mind.

All day on and off I'd considered not turning up for this, the official closing of the exhibit. But in the end my curiosity has won out, I want to know if Dawson is going to show up for this.

Composing myself I quickly enter the gallery leaving behind the crisp New York air. The door has barely swung closed behind me when I hear someone calling my name and I groan internally, Simon.

Maybe I shouldn't have come, but I guess it's too late to leave now that he's spotted me and I guess I'll need to think quickly if I want to get away from this guy.

"I was beginning to think you weren't gonna show." He says handing me a glass of champagne.

I just smile and nod as he starts blabbering on about how well his paintings have been received by people and I think he's talking about his next exhibit. I'm not really hearing the words; instead I just nod every few moments while I scan the crowd for Dawson.

After what feels like hours I excuse myself and walk towards the bathroom making the mental note to avoid that guy at all costs for the rest of the evening, the rest of my life.

_Been spending so much time underground,  
I guess my eyes adjusted to the lack of light  
I got covered in darkness  
Covered in darkness _

"Don't you just hate it when someone drones on and on, not realizing you're bored?" A voice says from behind me as I neared the stairs leading up to the toilets.

I stop walking but don't turn around. Even though I've been waiting to see him ever since he left, part of me is afraid to look at him. Afraid of the power he seems to have over me, even now.

_Hibernating always waiting for something new, Happiness always ending In the blink of an eye there was no one attending No one attending _

"Yeah." I finally say after a moment, still not daring to turn to face him but he moves until he's standing before me. "I wondered if you'd be here tonight..." my eyes finally meet his as the tone in my voice becomes more confrontational. "What with you telling me you'd be back on Monday and then not calling to let me know you were back."

His facial expression doesn't change; nothing in his eyes give away what he's thinking. Funny how there was a time when it was so easy to read what he was thinking or feeling, when his eyes were like the window to his soul.

_It doesn't really matter where it all began  
All I know,  
I got covered in darkness  
Covered in darkness _

Did we really change that much?

"I meant to call." He replies and his voice sounds sincere enough. "Something just came up with Aunt Gwen and I had to a take care of it."

"Oh." I mouth, the sound not coming out as I begin to feel like a first class bitch. He really doesn't owe me anything does he? It's not like we've ever said we have a relationship, and even if we did I have no right to pry.

"I'm sorry Jo." He adds and I feel my demeanor softening.

"Is she okay?" I finally ask and he nods his head.

"Yeah." Dawson replies glancing around. "Do you think it's too soon for us to get out of here?"

"I think you just read my mind." I smile. "Where'd you have in mind?"

"Somewhere we could talk." He says and I lace my fingers in his.

"That sounds good."

_Ever wonder why I never really truly connect  
Although my eyes are open  
I can hold your gaze but I never connected  
Never connected _

We end up back at his hotel room and I feel like there's so much I want to say, so much stuff needs to be put out in the open. About us, Pacey…

As he closes the door behind him he asks "Would you like anything to drink?"

I shake my head, "right now all I want is you."

_I am famous for my generosity  
They say I am the kindest  
It is easier to give than receive love  
Give than receive love _

He's been gone for almost a week, but to me it feels like forever and all at once, the questions that I've been longing to ask seem to dissolve inside my brain as I look at him.

"I missed you." He says and his voice sounds somewhat pained.

"I missed you too." I say as he steps closer, lightly stroking my hair. "It started the minute you left."

Funny how I'd never considered how much I missed him before.

I touch the hand that caresses my hair, move it to my lips so I can kiss it before letting it go.

_It doesn't really matter where it all began  
All I know  
I was covered in darkness  
Covered in darkness _

"I won't be able to stay here indefinitely." Dawson says as I reach for the collar of his shirt, moving closer to him.

"I know." But I don't want to think about that right now. So instead of saying anything else I tug on his collar pulling his lips closer to mine.

Tentatively I kiss him, looking for some sort of acknowledgement that this is okay. Within a few seconds he kisses me back while his hands push my jacket off of my shoulder and it falls to the floor. His jacket soon follows and as the kiss intensifies we start to back up towards the bed and I start to undo the buttons on his shirt.

I know I have tonight and for now that appears to be enough, it has to be.

His hands work to undo the zipper at the back of my dress and I stop working on his buttons for a moment to step out of the dress. Once it hits the floor he quickly removes my bra and I do away with the flimsy piece of material that passes for a pair of panties.

_Turning pages over  
Run away to nowhere  
And it's hard to take control  
When your enemy's old and afraid of you _

Standing before him naked I see the expression in his eyes change as he looks down my body and back up again. I take his hand and bring it up to my cheek, "I missed this."

He reaches his arms around my waist, pulls me into him and we both groan as his erection comes into contact with me and our lips met again.

He pulls me closer against him as his tongue brushes against my lips and I allow its entry. His tongue brushes against mine and I yearn to feel his naked body against mine. Taking one of his hands I move it to my breast before I undo the final few buttons of his shirt, push it off of his shoulders and down his arms before I throw it aside.

Immediately I grab for the zipper of his pants and we stop kissing, his hands moving up and down my body. Pushing his trousers and boxers down I gently bite at his shoulder as one of his hands moves between my legs, stroking sensitive flesh.

I lightly stroke his erect cock, a sly smile probably on my lips as his head rolls back and his hand stills and I start to touch him with both hands. He groans something inaudible before his hands move over my own and he stills them, his eyes coming back to meet mine.

"It'll be over too soon if you keep it going at this rate." Dawson says after a moment before nipping at my lower lip and I take another step backwards before falling onto the bed.

_You discover that the monster you were running from  
Is the monster in you  
Better to hold on to love  
Better to hold on to love  
Change will come _

As I sit he leans down to kiss my forehead, before moving onto his knees. His lips touch mine ever so briefly before he starts sucking on my neck, biting, blowing and kissing.

"I missed this too." Dawson says huskily against my lips, the vibrations from his voice sending a shiver down my spine.

He softly kisses the corner of my mouth as he lightly strokes my inner thigh, before he traces the outline of my lips and I lick them in anticipation of what he'll do next. With his hands on my ass he pulls me closer to the edge of the bed and I wrap an arm around him before touching his face.

Just looking in his eyes for a moment I feel so connected, like the past nine or so years could just fade away.

His mouth moves to my breast and he starts to swirl his tongue around my nipple as my fingers move through his hair. He blows on the nipple, sucks and bites all the while one of his hands moves closer to my core. A moment later his hot mouth moves to the other breast as one of his fingers brushes against my opening. I tug a little at his hair and raise my hips slightly.

His face comes level to my own and he watches my face for a moment before dipping inside of me, his finger moving slowly and I let out a small moan as his lips crush mine. The speed of his finger quickens and my hips begin to move almost of their own accord to the rhythm, the pace increasing after he adds another finger.

He breaks away from the kiss and I open my eyes, wondering if he can read the desire in them as I feel the tension become insurmountable. It's been less than a week since it's been like this with him yet it feels like a lifetime since I've been with anyone like this.

Not even Pacey made me feel this good.

My hips continue to move off of the bed in time with the movement of his hand and I reach out for him, needing to touch him as I feel the orgasm about to take hold, "Dawson…" I murmur incoherently on the verge of exploding and he kisses my wrist before his hand stills and then it's gone.

I moan at the loss of contact and wrap my arms around his neck. He mumbles something against the crock of my neck as he rises to his feet and lifts me slightly before putting me down further back on the bed. I lower my back to the mattress as he moves onto it; his hands roam my body as his teeth graze my hardened nipples.

Unable to take it anymore I lightly touch the back of his head as I run the tip of my finger over his erection. "Now!" I implore huskily as I spread my legs.

He positions himself between my legs and I feel the tip of his cock about to enter me when he blurts out, "We forgot to get a…"

He trails off as I thrust my hips against his and he starts to enter me. "I'm on the pill." I tell him and as he pushes further inside me and I can't help the moans that escape from my lips.

Dawson started to move in and out of me, slowly at first but as my hips rock against his he moves faster, in and out. Burying my head against the bed I clutch at the covers with one hand while the other rests just over his shoulder, my fingernails digging into his skin as the tension becomes unbearable once more until I finally explode around him, calling his name over and over.

His movements slow down and he brushes a strand of hair off of my face as my breathing becomes steadier. I touch the side of his face and smile at him before pushing against his chest. "Turn over."

He obeys quickly, rolling onto his back and I straddle him and he moans as I lower myself onto him. I trace the outline of his lips with my index finger and as I lean forward I trail my hand down his chest, tweaking his nipples before my lips come into contact with his. Sucking on his bottom lip I start to slowly move my hips as his hands rest on my ass.

_It doesn't really matter where it all began  
All I know  
I was covered in darkness  
Covered in darkness_

Taking one of his hands I sit up again, taking one of his fingers into my mouth, sucking on it before lowering his hand to my breast and he circles the nipple with his finger. His eyes move from mine to my breasts as I bounce on top of him, both of us moaning. His hands move to my thighs, pushing against them while raising his hips off of the bed until finally his orgasm rips through him at the same time I go over the edge again, this time with him.

I collapse on top of him, loving how all of this feels as one of his hands rests on the small of my back.

"Well that was-" After a moment he begins but doesn't finish.

"Explosive?" I offer as I feel him go limp inside me.

_It doesn't really matter where it all began  
Because all I know  
I was lost, I was lost no no _

"Yeah." He agrees. "Although it doesn't seem like the right word to describe it, to do it justice."

I know what he means. Suddenly I feel my eyes become heavy and for a moment I think about how wrong this is, yet there's not one feeling of guilt. How could I deny myself this?

_It doesn't really matter where it all began  
All I know I was lost  
I feel lost lost no_  
*Darren Hayes - Darkness*

Moving off of him, I quickly kiss him on the mouth before laying my head on his chest. "You know there was a slight upside to your not being back on Monday." I begin feeling I need to say this before my nerve goes. "It gave me some time to think. I knew before you left I was going to miss you but I hadn't quiet realized how much. And it's made me see that I want to be with you."

He doesn't reply, I guess he's already fallen asleep.

"I need to end things with Pacey." I whisper to the room as my eyes begin to close.

_***to be continued...***_


	6. Chapter 5 First Time

Opening my eyes after spending an amazing night with Dawson I feel so content and ready to talk, to tell him how I feel. The initial realization came as we made love, when I saw him look in my eyes I knew I loved him. Turning towards the side of the bed Dawson occupied I find he's gone and I wonder what the time must be.

Sitting up I see light under the bathroom door and smile as I hear the running of water, I could surprise him…but no sooner have I had the thought when he exits the bathroom fully clothed.

"Hey." I sleepily greet him as he takes something out of the closet. "What time is it?"

"Sometime after six." He replies quickly looking at his watch before he continues taking clothes out of his closet.

"In the morning?"

He nods his head in response.

"Someone's up early." I say and his lack of a reply makes me feel slightly uneasy. "Where are you going?"

"Back to Canton." Dawson responds, his tone devoid of any emotion as he glances my way quickly. "I have a flight in a few hours."

My facial expression must be one of confusion. "But you only got back; we were going to talk…" I gulp before asking, "what about us?"

He turns towards me, his eyes meeting mine. "There is no us."

The words cut so deep and I feel my eyes start to sting. "But…" I try to respond but no words form, nothing will come out. My mind begins to race a mile a minute as I'm struck dumb by what he's said.

_Valentines and those butterflies  
Gets me all messed up inside  
Got me feeling' like a kid again  
Woah I'm even running' round telling' all my friends_

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." He says after a moment and runs his hands through his hair.

"What wasn't?" I ask. "Was I supposed to wake up and see you were gone because you were too much of a coward to say thanks for the sex?" I manage to spit at him; I'm too in shock to be anything other than defensive.

"You really think that's all it was?" His voice slightly rising as he looks pained.

"I have no idea what I'm supposed to think any of this was to you. I thought it meant…"

"It does." He replies cutting me off before adding in a whisper, "It did."

"Funny how your actions and words seem to be contradictory to that fact." I respond wrapping the sheet tighter around me, remembering only too well what we did on this bed.

_Now every day has a reason  
And every night is the real thing woah_

He rubs his chin and glances at the bottom of the bed, maybe contemplating what to say, maybe wanting to sit down.

I brush a few tears off of my face as I realize I'm actually crying, I thought I was somewhat composed.

"I don't deserve you, deserve this." He says after a few minutes silence, finally sitting on a chair by the window.

Perplexed I'm about to ask why, I actually open my mouth to speak when he raises one of his hands to stop me.

"I guess you could say it started over nine years ago, the day they died." He begins and already I see his eyes water just thinking about it.

"Dawson, I…"

"No, I owe you an explanation." He assures me as he looks down at his hands before continuing. "When Mom and Dad died it was like a part of me died too. They were everything I'd ever known and loved, they were supposed to be there for me through everything and after that day they wouldn't be in my life again." His eyes move back to mine again. "And I lost you that day to."

"Not completely." I tell him. "I wasn't gone forever."

"You may as well have been. At the time it certainly felt like it. I closed myself off from everyone except Gwen, if I could have been on my own I would have been." He paused for a moment before taking a drink from a glass I hadn't seen beside him before. "Those first few days were a blur, the funeral was unbearable and I just knew I couldn't live in Capeside."

"So you decided to sell the house?"

"I knew I couldn't return there ever. How could I?"

He stops after asking that question and I'm not sure if he expects an answer from me and I don't really know what to say.

"Everything I remembered about that place was tied to them and you and dare I say it, to Pacey…" He lets out a small chuckle, almost maniacal. "My best friend, or so I thought. He's the reason all of this started and my therapist would have a field day deconstructing this ya know?"

Again, I think that's a question I'm not really supposed to answer but I'm overcome with the need to wrap my arms around him. For someone who supposedly cares about him I never once thought of his needing therapy. I knew he'd need time to grieve but not for one minute did it occur to me that Pacey and I would have had such an effect.

"I thought I was over all of this but seeing you on opening night brought back so many memories, most of them good." He manages a smile. "That was up until the point that you told me you were still with him as I walked with you to get a cab. I couldn't quite believe it but I managed to make you think it wasn't a big deal. It was hard for me to believe that after everything that happened you two were still together. Happy." His last word is said dripping with venom.

I'd been wary about telling him I was still with Pacey but I felt I had at least owed him the truth. I owe him so much more than that.

"After that day, after it had all begun to sink in it was easier to be angry with people than focus on what I'd lost. And most of that was directed at Pacey, maybe not directly. I know he had nothing to do with my parent's death but with you…" His voice sounds close to cracking.

_Girl you make it feel  
Like the first time  
Like there's never been another  
Girl you make it real_

"I loved you Joey and you were gone, he was the one person I could lay all the blame with although in the beginning I was angry with everyone. With Mom and Dad for dying, with you for leaving me and not being there when I needed you." He manages a smile even though I know this is hard for him. "I was able to understand fully what you went through losing your mom and you would have understood my loss. And why weren't you there?"

Another of those questions not requiring an answer.

"I really thought I had moved on from all of that. It was hard in the beginning, especially with you and Jen calling almost daily." He takes another drink from the glass he's been nursing in his hands. "Jen helped me move on from it." He says pausing, possibly to gauge my reaction.

I'd never known Jen had still kept in touch with him, that of everyone he'd allowed her to be the one to reach him. I try to act as though this disclosure doesn't affect me but the words sting.

"I refused to talk to Jen like I refused to talk with you and you eventually gave up but Jen, she just kept on calling. It must have been about nine months after I'd last seen her and I told Gwen I'd talk to Jen, tell her myself to stop calling." He stops and appears to be staring off into space.

"And?" I prod.

"I started telling her but she cut me off and I just sat listening to her ramble on for a few minutes. I hadn't realised how much I missed her voice, hearing from someone who knew me before I'd moved to Canton, not that there were many people." He glances at his watch. "After that we started talking, communicating again. Sometimes I'd just sit listening to her telling me silly stories about something Jack did or stuff Andie said. Then that summer she turned up out of the blue."

He smiles, obviously remembering that time.

"I was surprised to see her and she said she had to come for a visit before starting college, she wanted to see me. And we talked and talked for two weeks, I joked about how she was now a college girl and I was a lowly high school student because I'd taken a year off."

It'd never occurred to me that Dawson may not have graduated the same year I did. He wasn't experiencing the same things I was and I feel more fresh tears trickle down my face as I wonder what would have happened if I had kept calling.

"Once the school year began we couldn't call each other so often but there was always e-mail and stuff. She'd been the one to help me settle into life in New York when I came here for college, helping me get acquainted with the city." He pauses to take another drink of water.

I bring my knees in close to my body, hugging them as I wait for him to continue.

"She was my first." Dawson says, his eyes never wavering from my face and I wonder if he saw me flinch when he said that as I hug my legs closer.

I feel like someone has literally punched me in the stomach but I have no right to feel that way. It's not like I had some claim on him, maybe at one point or another it looked like it could have happened but I never expected Jen to be his first.

"It was nothing serious, we'd just somehow become close and both of us knew nothing else would happen after that summer." He continues. "After Jen I'd dated a few times, nothing too serious. It was the only way to safeguard myself from the kind of heartbreak I'd gone thought before, the only way to stop anything being too serious."

He runs his hand through his hair and puts the glass on the table.

_Like the first time  
Every time you lay down by my side, woah-woah  
It's the first time_

"And then there was you, Joey Potter. The only girl I've ever been in love with." He manages a smile. "I never expected to ever see you again. There's some sort of irony in the fact we've ended up in similar professions, especially after we'd grown up having other career goals."

I manage a smile through my tears; it had never crossed my mind.

"Why didn't you pursue a career in filmmaking?" I ask curiously, my throat dry.

_Every moment spent with you  
Something different, always something new  
I watch you sleeping, I hear you sigh  
Oh I even love the way you cry_

He lightly shrugs his shoulders. "Things change, I changed…I think as a result of everything that happened. Gone was the idealistic kid who thought he could make it in Hollywood and born was the cynical man before you. The one that couldn't find any answer to the burning question of why his life turned the way it did from a Spielberg movie. Gone was the hopeless romantic."

My heart breaks in this one moment as I realize the man I thought I knew is a far cry from the boy whose heart I broke. How I wish I could turn back the clock.

"I actually felt physically sick when you told me you were still with him, even though I covered it up." He has that pained look in his eyes again, so much pain. "In that moment all of those feelings of anger, all the hurt seemed to resurface and I somehow believed that if I could make him feel one ounce of my hurt I'd feel better. Maybe it'd allow me to truly move on with my life, even allow me to find love again."

_Now every kiss is a season  
And every touch keeps me believing woah_

"You made it so easy for me to do. I thought I'd have to somehow think of a way to seduce you yet in the end it seemed a two way thing. I'd managed to tell myself I was only out to hurt Pacey but I know now deep down, I wanted to hurt you too."

"It's no more than I deserve." I find myself saying.

"I never said that."

"But you thought it, right?" I ask not sure if I want to know the answer.

"I don't know anymore."

"So what were you gonna do?"

He looks away from me for a moment before running his hands through his hair. "I wanted him to find out about us, that you'd been with me. But I'd let him know that it was over and he was welcome to you."

"Gee, that's nice." I say after a moment, surprised by his admission. "So why the change of heart Dawson? I'm assuming there is one, given you're laying all this out in the open."

_Girl you make it feel  
Like the first time  
Like there's never been another  
Girl you make it real  
Like the first time  
Every time you lay down by my side, woah-woah_

"There was one thing I didn't count on in all of this; I'd spent the last 9 years trying to make damn sure I never got too close to anyone and what happens?" He asks his voice again rising a little.

I shrug and avert my eyes from his for a moment as I wipe my eyes on the bed sheet. "Why don't you tell me?" I ask my tone acidic as I start to feel angry.

Angry that I caused him enough pain for him to be this way, feel this way. Angry that's this is how he's turned out and angry at how he's set out to hurt me.

"Come on tell me!" I yell at him.

"I started to fall in love with you!" He yells back, tears welling in his eyes and my mouth falls open. "I wanted to hurt you, but the more time I spent with you the more I started to feel things I hadn't felt in years." He pauses.

_It's the first time  
It's the last time  
You'll be alone, I'm there for you  
I'll walk this earth, I'll see this through  
I need you here to write this song  
You make me feel like I belong  
And every time you lay down by my side  
It's the first time_

"And then I started to care, I didn't want to but I did." He sniffs. "It was like part of me had been dead and had started to come back to life. I never counted on that."

He continues. "I've been with other women Joey, but none of them could ever reach this part of me. No one but you. That's why I can't go through with this. That's why I couldn't see you before, why I never called on Monday."

"But you said…"

"I lied." He admits. "I was back in New York by Monday and I wanted to see you, to end this. But I never had the guts. I realised over the weekend that I was falling for you all over again and I couldn't hurt you like that. I came close to seeing you on Tuesday and ended up sitting in a café across the street from the bookstore for most of the day, trying to muster up the courage to tell you."

"I…I don't know what to say." I manage to stutter out.

"You don't have to say anything. When I walk out that door you won't see me again." He says as he stands up. "I set in motion this grand plan to hurt you which at one point or another I thought I would and could never do. I can't deny I felt pure hatred towards Pacey and I thought that I hated you too."

_Now every day has a reason  
And every night is the real thing_

I think I'm in shock. He set out to hurt me and Pacey, he loves me, he's been through so much…

"I'm truly sorry Joey." He says putting on a jacket. "I wish things had been different, who knows where we'd be."

_woah-oh-oh woah  
Girl you make it feel  
Like the first time  
Like there's never been another  
Girl you make it real  
Like the first time  
Every time you lay down by my side  
woah-woah_

"Me too." I find myself saying as he sits on the bed beside me and he touches my tear soaked cheek.

"Maybe whatever we could have had would have burnt out long ago; maybe we'd still be going strong...we'll never know." Tears start to trickle down his cheeks as he speaks. "But I'm sorry for all of this, sorry for hurting you."

"Dawson…" I start to say something when he lightly brushes his lips against mine. Giving in to this kiss my lips move with his, tasting him and the salty tears.

He breaks the kiss and traces the outline of my lips before he stands and walks towards the door. With his hand on the door handle he turns back to look at me.

"The one thing I never counted on was falling for you, funny how no matter what happened, what I thought I felt, I still found myself falling for you." His eyes lock on mine for a moment, perhaps waiting for forgiveness or maybe he just wants one last look before he goes. "And I don't deserve you."

_It's the first time  
It's the first time_  
*Ronan Keating – First Time*

I sit on the bed hugging my knees and watch him leave the room, walking back out of my life. After a moment I can't seem to think straight as my sobbing becomes too much and I lay back down. Reaching for the pillow he slept on, I can still smell him as I hug it.

The Dawson I loved is gone.

_***to be continued...***_


	7. Chapter 6 When Love Calls Your Name

The tears begin to subside as everything sinks in under the harsh light of day, light trickling in from the world outside. I wipe my eyes with the same damp patch of the blanket I have used since the tears took hold, reaching for my watch on the nightstand. It's only 7:05am.

Today was going to be the beginning of the rest of my life, the day I told him I loved him. Now it feels like that has been torn away from me and I can't help feeling that it's my fault, I'm to blame.

As I wrap the sheet around me I can't help but wondering if I should have somehow seen all of this coming. It's been building for over a month, I had a feeling that something didn't seem right with Dawson yet I couldn't quite manage to verbalize that feeling. Maybe I just didn't want to believe that he'd be gone from my life again so soon.

Gathering up my clothes I make my way towards the bathroom, should I have realized that there was some deep seated plan for revenge brewing in his head?

"Why would I?" I mumble to the room. I've never been through what he has and I feel the tears begin to sting the corners of my eyes again fully realizing the impact of our actions.

We destroyed him.

We were supposed to be his friends, people who cared for him and although it had never been intentional to hurt him in this way, to leave him like this, it's what we've done.

Standing looking in the mirror above the bathroom sink the thought crosses my mind about how I look a mess. The puffy eyes and the tear stained cheeks; I can't bear to look at myself without despising the person that looks back at me.

Sometimes we're never aware of the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we're unaware of our own capabilities. And sometimes we wish we had the ability to somehow change the past and to make amends.

As I continue to look at the mirror, not quite seeing my own reflection I recall how I felt when Mom died and I allow some of those emotions to wash over me now.

Fear, of what life would be like without her. I was thirteen years old when she died, she'd always been a constant in my life, the one person I had always been able to rely on besides Dawson. But she was different; she was an adult, my mother.

Pain, I felt like there was a throbbing pain somewhere inside me that no one would be able to locate.

Sadness, I was in agony over losing her, even though we'd known it was coming for months. How was I supposed to prepare for the day my mother would never be there? It's not like there was an emotional light bulb somewhere that could be switched off at will.

Through it all I had had support; through it all there had been Bessie and Dawson, Mitch and Gail. And dare I say it Pacey managed to help in his own way.

But the main support was from Dawson. There were times he'd just sit and hold my hand, or hug me and rub my back as he talked about her. Other times he'd just sit and listen to me recounting many childhood memories. Occasionally we'd just sit in his closet reciting lines from movies, a vein attempt at escaping from the grieving process.

I can't for the life of me try to imagine going through that without Dawson. There was a time not long after Jen had told me the news that I tried to imagine what it would have been like without him, but I couldn't. Maybe part of me was too scared to think about it too much; scared I'd end up hating myself for the picture I'd see. Knowing that that was how he would be suffering, virtually alone.

Now, as that reality sinks in I can't help but feel this is my entire fault. I can't honestly blame him for this, feeling the way he does, wanting to hurt us. Yet there's a part of me that feels some anger, wants to be angry at him, to yell at him. I just don't have that right.

He looked pained as he admitted his plans for revenge and fresh tears begin to fall as I focus on my reflection in the mirror. I'm not proud of myself.

I know there was no way I was to know that any of this would have happened when I left him on the dock that day. How was I to know it'd be the last time I'd see him in so long? How was I to know that I was leaving at a time when he'd need me the most?

By the time mom died, dad's presence as part of the family was pretty much nonexistent, especially when he went to prison. It's not the same as dying but at the time it seemed like it. He was gone too, but well, I always knew he was alive.

How different would I have felt if he had died too, suddenly like Gail and Mitch?

"I can't even imagine." I whisper to the empty bathroom.

Running my hands through my hair, I feel sick at this whole situation. I need to get out of here, hating the sheer memory of everything that occurred here.

Quickly I brush my hair before tying it back. I was going to have a shower but now I just want to be anywhere but here, to go home.

What does that even mean anymore? Home.

Hurriedly I start to throw on my clothes as I try not to think of my betrayal, "Geez Joey, you've gotten so damn good at it."

All this time I've been fooling around with Dawson and I already had someone. I have a boyfriend that loves me; at least I think he still does. Could we possibly have fallen into a routine of an old married couple even though we're not married, our biggest commitment was moving in together.

The more I think about it, the intensity of the anger coursing through me increases.

"How could Dawson do this?" I ask the empty room and I can't help the laugh that passes from my lips. "Like I was totally innocent."

It sure took two to tango, I was more than willing to get involved in this and I'm now trying to find some way to tell myself it was all Dawson's fault. That he somehow seduced me. He didn't do anything I hadn't wanted him too…except for that revenge part.

I feel sick and angry and sad and sorry. The funny part is that I don't know who I'm angry with anymore.

When he first said there was no us, my instinct was to be defensive and feel anger but that was before I knew everything. Tucking a free stand of hair behind me ear I can't help the warm and fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I recall my earlier realization that I loved him and was going to tell him.

He sure had me fooled.

Those warm and fuzzy feelings begin to subside, being replaced with anguish. No more than I deserve especially when I see the dark blue polo shirt lying on the bottom of the bed. I guess he forgot to take it with him.

Picking it up a sob escapes from deep within my throat. I hadn't even realised I was crying again and within a few moments it all becomes too much and I slink to the ground, my back to the bed as I hug the t-shirt to me.

It becomes harder to process thoughts, so many of them swimming around my head, so many emotions. I really wish I had the capacity to be angry with Dawson, but I just can't.

The full impact hits me now; my past actions had serious repercussions. And only now do I become fully aware of their extent.

_You can cover your eyes_

_And hide behind walls you've built around you_

_You can run for your life_

_Anytime there's a chance of someone breaking through_

_But sooner or later it comes to us all_

_And even the strongest must fall_

At a certain point in your life some things become routine and after a period of time passes, aspects of your life seem stagnant. You look for something to break the monotony of each day, some form of excitement, something that's just different. And occasionally that different thing is small, with few ramifications.

Other times it's something major and at the time the change occurs you don't really think of how big it is. You're too busy throwing yourself into this new task, happy to be breaking the habit so to speak. It's only after time you realize how much has changed, be it you or someone else.

I was aware the whole time I was involved with Pacey, but refused to allow myself to think of it, dwell too much. Scared that if I did, I'd change what was happening and Dawson would probably have walked out of my life again.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I know that Dawson brought something to life within me again. That's why I couldn't end it, why I was scared to loose him.

_When love calls your name_

_There's no saying no_

_You follow your heart wherever it goes_

_To the ends of the earth_

_For the rest of your days_

_Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way_

_Through fire and rain_

_When love calls your name_

Knowing I have to compose myself to leave, in order to go 'home' I stand up, placing the T-shirt on the bed.

"Goodbye Dawson." I mumble, sniffing before facing the door and I feel as though my heart literally stops because he's standing there. He looks like he's been crying too.

"I thought you'd be gone." He says not moving from where he stands.

"I thought you'd left for good." I respond, both of us seemingly waiting for more time to process this and I wonder how long he was standing there for.

He shakes his head. "My stuff's still here. I wanted to give you time to…" He trails off.

"Get dressed and go?" I tried to bite back the comment but as always it's best to be defensive and it spills out.

"I deserve that." Dawson replies, almost whispering before continuing. "I'm not proud of what I did."

I try to keep my resolve, to not break down again at what he's been through, how he's been hurt.

_Now I see a light_

_And it keeps getting brighter and shows me the way_

_And it's there in your eyes_

_Pulling me closer everyday_

_After all of this time the tables have turned_

_I guess I'm ready to learn_

"I want to be angry with you. You have no idea how much I want to just kick and scream at you for all of this…" I begin knowing I don't have the strength in me for that. "But I can't, I just can't. I love you Dawson."

I wonder if he sees the genuine love in my eyes after I say it. Wonder if it's become so much of a stranger to him that he can't see it.

He looks at me somewhat stunned, even opens his mouth to say something but can't seem to get whatever he has to say out.

"I'm in love with you." I tell him. "I realised it last night…I think I always was, even through all these years." I finish with a smile, tears still trickling down my cheeks as I step closer to him.

"I don't deserve you." Dawson finally finds his voice. "Didn't you hear what I said earlier?"

_When love calls your name_

_There's no saying no_

_You follow you heart wherever it goes_

_To the ends of the earth_

_For the rest of your days_

_Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way_

_Through fire and rain_

"Yeah I did." I begin as I bring one of my hands up to caress his cheek. "You set out to hurt people that hurt you a long time ago but in the end realised it's not who you are."

His eyes don't waver from mine as he processes what I've just said. "But I-" I place a finger to his lips to silence him.

"I know what you did."

"But how-" This time I cut him off by quickly pressing my lips to his, kissing him tenderly.

"Because I somehow understand the hurt, the wanting…needing to lash out at people who hurt you."

I see tears begin to form in his eyes and there's a flicker of a smile.

_When love calls your name_

_You do what you must_

_You take it on faith_

_You take it on trust_

_You're out of control_

_And all that you know_

_Your world's not the same_

_When love calls your name_

I continue. "I was angry when mom died, when dad went to prison and I would have probably lashed out at everyone if it hadn't been for Bessie and you." I tell him honestly. "I can't possibly imagine the extent of your hurt, but I have some sense of how bad it can be, losing both of them…and then feeling the way you did about…"

I trail off, somehow not wanting to mention Pacey and I, yet I know it will have to come up eventually, sooner rather than later.

"You can say his name." He tells me his voice low. "I'm not going to go crazy or anything."

We're both silent for a moment.

_When love calls your name_

_There's no saying no_

_You follow you heart wherever it goes_

_To the ends of the earth_

_For the rest of your days_

_Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way_

_Through fire and rain_

_When love calls your name_

_When love calls your name_

_*Cher – When love calls your name*_

"I want to be honest with you Dawson." I say lightly tracing his jaw line. "When I found out you left and that Mitch and Gail had died I cried myself to sleep at night for so long. There were times I didn't know who I was crying for." I tell him. "And I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but Jen found it difficult for us to remain friends."

He shakes his head. "She never told me what happened, just mentioned that you'd somehow drifted apart."

"Pacey and I had already split up or were taking a break, it was too much. Knowing I'd been with him when you'd needed me." The tears begin again. "I should have been there for you and I wasn't. I'm so sorry Dawson." I sniff. "In time we sort of hung out again, more through lack of options than want. I don't know about Pacey, but I was just lonely, I needed someone, anyone."

Thinking about it now I had never really realized this, or maybe I was just too frightened to dwell on it, scared I'd be alone.

"I guess it's easy to fall into a comfort zone." He says breaking me from my moment of reverie.

"Yeah." I quietly agree nodding my head. "I wish I had been there for you. That I could somehow make up for everything…"

"I'm the one that should apologize." He cuts in.

"Maybe we both have things to be sorry for." I tell him. "There's so much time we missed, I wish we could change that."

"Me too." Dawson agrees. "But it'd never be like it was before."

"I don't expect it to be."

"So, what would happen?" He asks, maybe he's slightly apprehensive.

"We take things slowly, try to rebuild our friendship and see where it takes us."

He takes a deep breath. "Is that all you want?"

"No." I shake my head. "But for now it's enough. I know this can't be rushed."

We're both silent for a few moments, contemplating what the next move should be. I wonder what he's thinking, part of me wishes I knew but somehow for now, not knowing what he's thinking, not being able to read his eyes doesn't bother me. In time those things can be learned.

He touches my hair and smiles and for a moment I see the resemblance to the boy I once loved, the only one. I remember what it was like to kiss him, to know that he loved me and would never do anything in his power to hurt me.

There are parts of him still in there, hidden beneath the exterior of the man I now love. The man I hope to reconnect with again.

_The End!_


	8. Epilogue Feel

After that day so many months ago when I told Dawson I loved him despite everything, things seemed to pass in a bit of a blur for the rest of that day. We just lay down on the bed we'd made love on and talked and talked, finding out the least little details from the years that had gone by.

The small scar on Dawson's left leg, the result of a drunken bicycle accident a few years ago while I told him about the scar I had as a result of having my appendices removed the day before my 21st birthday. He mentioned how he'd seen Jen a few times over the past few years and she was now an archeologist, never able to be tracked down that easily, "even in this day and age of the cell phone, she can never be reached." I told him about how I'd gotten more into art in the aftermath of his departure, somehow it made me want to hold on to the one thing I knew I had in common with my mother.

And as night fell on the city that never sleeps I realized I couldn't put off the inevitable, my return 'home'.

I already knew that I would never spend another night in that house, I somehow knew before Dawson had even returned to the hotel room and I even told Dawson this.

"I'll call Shannon and she'll let me stay at her place." I had told him, I was under no illusion that he'd invite me back for the night. He said he'd call me the next day and I know some people would think I was crazy for not asking for his number in case, I had to trust that he would. After all he'd been honest with me.

My whole journey back to 'our house' was filled with trepidation, for years it'd been just like a comfort relationship. More times than not it felt like we were going through the motions, just comfortable to be with one another. At least that's how it appeared to me and that's what made me feel all the more uneasy as the cab neared the street we'd lived in.

What if it had been about more to Pacey?

But the uneasy feeling had all been for nothing, when I arrived the house was empty. He'd gone to work. There was no note on the kitchen table, or anywhere else. I checked my cell phone, there'd been no calls. I even went so far as to call Shannon to check if he'd called…he hadn't and I asked Shannon if she'd mind me stopping by. She said she didn't and I asked if it would be okay to spend the night, I would explain later. It was fine.

Gathering up the things I knew I'd need for now, I was struck by how this place had never really seemed like a home. Sure we'd stayed there and it seemed lived in, but I couldn't say that I'd leave it with that many memories which was sort of sad given we'd lived here for over 3 years.

Could we have been so in need of someone, anyone, that we'd forgotten to just share things with one another? Make memories.

Had he even noticed I was gone?

I knew that I couldn't just leave there and not tell him and I also knew that I couldn't stay here one more night. So I was left with no option but to see him at work.

When he came out to see me he was surprised I was there.

He was a little more surprised when he saw the backpack I had with me and for the next few minutes all we did was make small talk. His girlfriend was standing before him with her backpack and we're talking about how business is? I think he somehow knew, not about Dawson but that it was over.

I told him I was going to Shannon's and that I'd be staying at her place. He just quietly nodded his head before replying, "So this is it then?"

At the time it hadn't quite struck me how emotionless it all seemed.

We'd been involved for over 8 years and he wasn't going to ask anything else, didn't seem to want to know why or what had changed. He just mumbled something about how it wasn't working out; life had a way of running away from you and before you know it something that seemed so promising was reduced to being nothing more than a convenience.

Is it wrong for me to have left where he worked feeling slightly annoyed at him? How could he not have said anything sooner? Was he content enough to just live as things were until one of us got fed up?

I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of it all as I rode in a cab on the way to Shannon's. Dawson's grand plan for revenge wouldn't have really worked anyway. Perhaps I was only laughing at the sadness of the whole situation.

Within a few hours Shannon was up to speed on more or less all the details of my past and of what the current situation was and to say she was surprised would be an understatement. She was pretty much speechless which was a first.

After that night I stayed with Shannon and spoke with Pacey a few times about picking up my stuff, any furniture I was taking would be shipped to Capeside.

Dawson did call the next day and to be honest, I hadn't been that worried that he wouldn't call. We talked for a little while about everything and nothing at all and he asked if I wanted to go for coffee and we did.

After we'd been seated for a few moments I told him that I'd broken it off with Pacey and that it was amicable, if not somewhat eerie and I explained how it had seemed like our relationship hadn't mattered. Not that I had wanted Pacey to be hurt by the break up, but was I asking for too much for some sign that he had cared about me? For him to even ask what had brought about this change?

It kinda shed a new light on how in the end, the hurt we'd caused Dawson was for nothing, at least that's how it started to feel.

I apologized to Dawson for even voicing any of this to him and he told me not to worry about it, I was entitled to feel my own feelings and to acknowledge them. We'd see where we ended up but for the moment we concentrated on our friendship.

It wasn't easy, what should anyone expect after that? For me to up sticks and move to Canton with Dawson or for me to have kicked Pacey out and have Dawson move in? Or for Dawson and I just to move in, anywhere together?

But it wasn't that simple.

Our relationship had been nonexistent for nine years, whatever remnants there were from the years before seemed as though they were from a different time. I guess there are also times when it feels like it happened to someone else.

In a sense it did.

And maybe we wouldn't have been back together dating if it hadn't been for that one night just before Christmas. I was still living at Shannon's and Dawson was sharing an apartment with an old friend from college.

This night in particular Dawson and I had planned to go to the movies and there was some sort of confusion of the meeting arrangements, my thinking I was meeting him there.

I remember feeling anxious at the prospect of seeing Dawson that night as I stepped out of the shower. Things seemed to be going well for us but I didn't want to push anything, that didn't mean I wasn't going to make an effort to look great.

For almost an hour I had agonized over what to wear and ended up running late, so when I heard the knock on the door as I was passing through the hallway I couldn't help but feel panicked. I didn't have time for getting dressed let alone any interruptions.

Tiptoeing I looked through the peephole, surprised to see Dawson standing there, his scarf and gloves in one hand as he loosened the top button on his jacket.

"What the hell is he doing here?" I mumbled under my breath, not entirely disappointed to see him. Without thinking I opened the door. "Hey." I said once the door was open and I didn't quite register the way his eyes seemed to travel down my body and back up. I saw it but it didn't occur to me in that moment that I was wearing just a towel. "What are you doing here?"

"I called earlier and asked Shannon to let you know I'd pick you up."

"She never told me." I began as I closed the door behind him. "Mind you, she wasn't home when I got in."

We stood in the hallway for a moment, I somehow felt disorientated and he looked at me expectantly.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked him.

He just shook his head and as I stood looking at him, my gaze on his I became aware of how close our bodies really were. I suddenly felt heady, wanting to touch him or kiss him and I wasn't sure but I thought I could see lust in his eyes.

In that moment as I contemplated what to do or say, fate seemed to step in just at the same moment I became aware of the fact I was only wearing a towel and it began to slip.

His reflexes were quick and he caught it, wrapping it around me. My senses were on edge at how close he was and I bit my lip.

There was something almost erotic about my almost nudity and his being fully clothed.

As his hands retreated one of them grazed my arm and the contact of skin on skin seemed to send a jolt through me. I wondered if he felt it, if he could read the desire in my eyes.

It became too much for both of us and within moments we were kissing, our lips moving against each others and the towel fell, lying in a heap on the floor as I interlaced my arms around his neck and his tightened around my waist. The kiss intensified until our tongues were exploring without hesitation, I backed against a wall and one of his hands moved to my breast, his fingers lightly circling the nipple.

We broke the kiss, both of us breathless and our eyes locked.

"I guess we're gonna miss the movie." I said with a grin on my face.

He nodded his head. "I knew we were going to be running late the minute I saw you weren't dressed." I looked at him puzzled and he continued, "The movie starts in about 20 minutes, by the time you got dressed we'd have missed the beginning."

"We could always hope for the later showing?" I told him licking my lips as my eyes drifted from his eyes to his lips and back again.

"I wasn't all that enthusiastic about seeing it; I can wait for the video." He says as his face moves closer to mine.

"Me too." I replied before bringing my lips up to meet his as he continued his ministrations on my breasts, alternating between the two as I tried to extract him from his jacket. "Too many clothes!" I managed to mumble against his lips as I pulled at his jumper and felt that he had a t-shirt on underneath.

"Sorry." He laughed. "It's freezing out there and I wasn't counting on being seduced in your hallway."

"I did not sed-" My words were cut off when I felt his fingers move between my legs. I wasn't going to argue a minor detail with a guy when he was doing that to me.

That was saved for afterwards after we'd both had our fill of each other and after I'd found the note Shannon had pinned to the refrigerator saying Dawson would stop by to pick me up and that the movie wasn't at the time I expected it to be at.

On the one hand I should have been annoyed that Shannon hadn't given me the message herself but on the other hand the girl deserved a big hug after what happened with me and Dawson.

Within a few weeks of our dating I realised that we were still those same people we'd been all those years before at the core, just a little older, a little wiser. He'd freely acknowledged that he wasn't the same person he had been when he was younger. His ideals, his perspective on life had dramatically changed. What might have gone unchecked by most people who knew me was the fact that over the years my outlook had changed too.

Funny how people I'd seen everyday for years hadn't really seen it or acknowledged it, yet Dawson had.

After we'd been dating for a few months we made the decision to move in together, I know some people would say that was extremely fast considering, but we weren't caring what other people thought.

Well, with the exception of Aunt Gwen.

I was sort of scared when Dawson asked me to go with him to Canton so he could pack up some of his stuff and I knew he had read that by my reaction. He assured me everything would be fine, Gwen still loved me as if I had been born into their family, even after everything.

Nonetheless I was still somewhat wary of seeing her again but it was fine. She just appeared happy that Dawson seemed to be moving on, that he looked happy.

We'd been up in the attic in Gwen's house when the phone call came through on my cell phone from the realtor telling me that the house we had planned to buy in Westchester had fallen through at the last minute. We'd both been gutted as we thought the two bedroom house was perfect for us but I seemed to be able to shrug it off after a moment, "we'll find something better." I told him.

He didn't respond and only gave me a funny look.

"What?"

"Nothing." Dawson replied as he went back to packing some things away in a box, occasionally glancing back at me again.

"Do I suddenly have a second head?"

"No."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" He asked slightly confused.

"The way you are now." I replied, rolling my eyes at him.

"I wasn't aware I was looking at you in a particular way."

"Okay." I said as I assembled a new box. "What were you thinking?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Who are you and what did you do with the Joey Potter I used to know?"

I guess I must have just looked at him in bewilderment.

"You sounded too optimistic considering we were supposed to move into that house in a few weeks."

Shrugging my shoulders lightly I replied, "No point fretting over it."

_You teach me how to feel_

_It feels all right_

_There's nothing left to fear_

_Finding myself_

"Now you're starting to freak me out." He said with a serious look on his face before he asked, "When'd you start to think like that?"

"When I realized there's no point dwelling on things outwith my control because whatever happens, happens for a reason and normally leads to better things." I told him as I moved towards him, encircling his waist with my arms. "And you should always hope for the best." I finished before leaning up to kiss him softly on the lips. "If something's meant for you it won't pass you by."

After I finished I tiptoed to kiss him again, this time the kiss was lingering and he tightened his arms around my back.

"And well, Shannon says she doesn't mind letting us have free reign of her apartment, she's gotten quite used to staying with Derek."

"So we're really doing her a favor?"

"Oh yeah." I assured him. "That's why I'm not so annoyed that we didn't get the house. Just take it as a sign that we'd have been miserable living there." I smiled at him and he smiled back before his expression turned serious.

"There's somewhere I need to go." He said still holding me.

"Okay." I replied closing my eyes, knowing it would be difficult for him. "Do you want to go alone?"

I felt him shake his head a little. "No, I want you to come with me." He replied and I give him a gentle squeeze.

As the sunlight shimmered across the creek I drove the hire car down a familiar road. The road that led us to the place where Mitch and Gale were laid to rest, Mom's there too. Quickly I glanced at him, saw his eyes were still closed and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking about. Where had his mind taken him to?

Was he recalling how they were that last day? Happy, content, finally having a second chance. Or did he wonder where he would be right now if it hadn't happened?

Parking the car I stayed silent. He needed the private time.

A few minutes passed and I looked at him again to see his eyes were open and he was staring straight ahead.

"They were so happy that day." He finally said breaking the silence that had been present since we left the B&B. "I wonder if they were happier then than the first time they'd gotten married."

I placed one of my hands over his and squeezed it lightly, remaining quiet because I knew he needed this time. One thing I could never begrudge him is time.

It's the one thing I knew I could give him, I assured his therapist of that the first time I met him.

Exactly ten years ago today our lives were forever changed. The day I left town with Pacey, the day Dawson set me free, neither of us realizing the impact those seemingly smallish (in the grander scheme of things) acts would have.

For ten years he's had to live without his parents and I know the rest of his life would be filled with 'what if's'.

If anyone knew this it was me.

_The further I go_

_Towards you_

I still wonder where she would be if she were still alive. Where would I be? Is it possible that by changing the one event that brought Dawson and I to the level of closeness we developed, would have adversely affected our lives course?

I found it hard to even imagine never being as close to him as we were before hormones started to take over.

_You teach me how to love_

_Parts of myself_

_I hated for so long_

_Loving myself_

_Through loving you_

"I guess it's time." Dawson said and I turned to look at him, my eyes locking with his. It's funny how yesterday his eyes were clear and blue, obviously one of the times he wasn't thinking about coming here. And now, my eyes search his and they're somewhat clouded.

His eyes really are the window to his soul, to his emotions.

I turned a little in my seat and reached out to caress his cheek. "For some reason it's harder being here again for the first time than it was the day they were buried." I began as my free hand clasped his. "It doesn't matter how long it has been since they died because all you think of is what lies beneath the surface of where you stand.

_I no longer live like a man in the dark_

_Hiding all the pieces of my broken heart_

_Whereby I'm holding on_

"I tried to convince myself that it'd be easier once I was here." He said as a tear trickled down his cheek and he somehow managed a small smile as he put on a brave face, but his eyes had already betrayed him. I could read them.

"It's never easy." I told him as I felt tears sting the corner of my eyes. "You recall how it felt back then, when having them beside you was so fresh in your mind and you remember how it's felt everyday since then to live without them."

"How did you get through that?" He asked.

"Somehow you learn to accept it." I assured him. "Maybe not in the beginning or now, but there will come a time when you haven't thought about it in so long, be it a few days or weeks and then suddenly it enters your mind. And all at once it's like it just happened yesterday. The emotions are just as real. It never truly goes away but it doesn't hurt so much as time goes on."

He nodded his head and I squeezed his hand again. "I guess now is as good a time as any."

"We could sit here for a few more minutes." I offered.

"Nah, the longer I sit here for the harder it's going to get to actually go."

"Do you want me to wait here?" I asked him again and he shook his head.

Letting go of my hand we exited the car and I couldn't help thinking of how it was a nice day, much like it was back then. Some things never change.

We walked through the cemetery in silence, past the rows of headstones, our fingers intertwined. At one point as we reached a fork in the path Dawson stopped walking.

"It's this way." I told him and we started moving down the path again.

Whereby I'm holding on to you

Would then have been an appropriate time to tell him that I'd always been there on this day of the year ever since it happened? Maybe I had been hoping that one time I'd be there he would too. Then I'd somehow have been there for him.

"Jen called earlier." Dawson told me breaking me from my thoughts.

"How is she?"

"She's doing great just wanted to let me know she was thinking of me." He said and I just nodded my head. "She told me to say hi."

I wasn't quite sure what to say, it's not that I was jealous he still had contact with her or anything. Sometimes it was just hard knowing that if only I'd never given up on calling him that maybe we'd have managed to reconnect sooner. No sooner has the thought crossed my mind than I felt guilty. He went through so much pain that day and for so many days afterwards and I was thinking of myself.

"I sometimes wonder how things would have been different if you'd been here that day." His voice low when he speaks before he continues. "Even now I can't help but wonder about that. Where would we both be if things had been different that day?"

Unsure if he was looking for an answer I remained silent as we approached the place where his parents lay.

Standing above their final resting place we stayed silent, part of me wondered if it would be one of those awkward silences, both of us permanently reminded of where we were at that moment in time. But it wasn't awkward, it was comfortable.

All at once I found I couldn't describe exactly how I felt. Sadness, relief and love had washed over me, as though the ghosts of the past were somehow being laid to rest here.

They had been like parents to me and I wondered how they would react to how everything has worked out, would they have given Dawson and I their blessing after everything?

I stroked his wrist reassuringly, knowing only too well how hard all of this was.

After a while I felt him wrap an arm around my waist and he managed a small smile.

"Are you okay?" I asked breaking the silence.

Nodding his head he replied, "I'm a lot better than I thought I would be."

"Are you ready to leave?"

"Yeah." He replied and we started to walk back towards the car, our fingers still intertwined. "How about we go for a little walk before heading back to the B&B?"

"Okay." I responded.

We ended up walking around for about thirty minutes, walking passed the swing set, I couldn't help but remember how we ended up their on our first date and I caught Dawson smiling out of the corner of my eye.

It was nice to know that despite how he may have envisioned this return trip would only dredge up sadness that he had been able to think of something happy.

"It seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?" Dawson asked finally breaking the silence.

"And at the same time it feels like it could have been just yesterday."

He nodded his head in agreement. "You know I was so nervous that night. We'd already kissed but there seemed to be more pressure on that next kiss."

"That's because after that first kiss there was so much time to dwell on when the next one would come." I enlightened him, remembering a conversation I had had with Bessie many moons ago as we sat on a park bench. "I was pretty nervous then too."

"What about now?"

"Am I nervous?" I asked and he nodded his head. "About kissing you?" He nodded his head again. "I rather look forward to it." I replied leaning in towards him with a sly grin as I clutched at the collar of his shirt.

Who knows if he'll ever want to return to Capeside after this, but at least he'd leave with a few new happy memories, I couldn't help but think as my lips moved softly with his.

Once the kiss was broken I gazed lovingly into his eyes, seeing love reflected in his. "Should we head back to the car?" I asked and he shook his head.

_You teach me to forgive_

_It feels all right_

_Compassion for your pain_

_Compassion for mine_

_The circle divides_

"Let's wait a few minutes." He said as he wrapped an arm around my waist and we sat back against the bench, watching the flow of the creek for a moment before he broke the silence, "Will you marry me?" He asked and I was slightly taken aback.

Actually, I was completely shocked and the look on my face must have reflected that.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out and he lightly chuckled.

"Have I rendered you speechless?" He asked, rather pleased with himself.

"Yes." I replied after a moment and he looked at me rather expectantly.

"Which question were you answering?"

Turning in my seat I tugged on his collar again, bringing my lips to meet his briefly.

"The second one?" He asked and I lightly kissed him again. "The first one?" He enquired grinning and I kissed him again, this time it was deep and passion filled.

_I no longer live like a man in the dark_

_Holding all the pieces of my broken heart_

_Whereby I'm holding on_

_Whereby I'm holding on to you_

_Whereby I'm moving on_

_Whereby I'm moving on to you_

_*Darren Hayes - feel*_

Who cared if we're in public? The man I loved has just proposed to me.

"Clarification would be nice, Jo."

Again, I just kissed him lightly before gently biting on his lower lip.

"If we keep this up there'll be no wedding 'cuz we'll be doing this until we're old and gray."

"My answer was to both questions." I informed him as I stroked his cheek. "I love you and I pretty much want to spend the rest of my life with you. Time spent apart showed me that."

"Good, because I love you too." He smiled at me before he devoured my lips with his own. "We'll go ring shopping once we're home."

"We'll be doing other things once we're home." I assured him with a cocky grin as we walked in the direction of where the car was parked.

"Is that a promise?"

"It's a guarantee." I told him as we walked arm in arm down beside the creek we had grown up beside.

Sometimes it's nice to lay old demons to rest; it enables us to move on with our lives and only then can we truly appreciate what we have, what we almost missed out on.

A lifetime with the only guy I've ever really loved, the one who has known me best. Now I can't ever comprehend where I'd be if it weren't for him.

***the end.***


End file.
